Jean Love

"Hmm... Forget it, you still have clients to meet in the afternoon, so I won't bother you, and it's getting late." I looked at his face.

"That's fine, let's do it later, I'll be free later." He patted my shoulder again, grinning at the corner of his mouth, showing a charming smile.

When the car arrived, he shook hands with me and said goodbye. I took out the letterhead folded into a dovetail in my trouser pocket, waved it in front of him, and stuffed it into his hand. He asked me what it was, and I said you should go back and read it. I know, make a mischievous expression, look mysteriously, board the bus quickly, find a seat and sit down, without looking back, I feel very relaxed inside, never before.

A few days later, when I saw him online, I sent a grinning emoji, and he returned with a cup of coffee. I asked, "Did you read it? Did you read the piece of paper I wrote?"

"I saw it, I was very moved, thank you." He said.

"Play the video, okay?" I asked again.The video was turned on, we looked at each other and smiled, and after 2 minutes, the video was turned off.I said, "I'll delete you, okay?"

"why?"

"No, don't read."

The other party stopped making a sound. I waited for a few minutes, but there was still no reply. I clicked delete and completely deleted myself from the other party’s friend list. I took out my mobile phone and deleted all the information related to him, including the mobile phone number. Drop, yes, see or miss.

I opened the desk drawer, picked up a crumpled draft paper that I discarded, and unfolded it again:

Hello, Lao Qin!

In the vast sea of ​​people, acquaintance is fate. I am very happy to meet you on the Internet, and I am also very happy that we have been able to keep in touch for more than a year.Don't be ridiculous, the first time I opened the video, I felt a thumping feeling towards you, it was real, I didn't want to tell lies, but it was unrealistic, I knew it very well, I knew it in my heart.

I want to apologize to you, please don't blame me, what I asked, whether your jewelry accepts agency, is actually just an excuse for me to see you, because I am afraid of rejection.Today I want to refuse first, before my heart is fully opened, I believe you can understand.Thanks!Thank you for making me more confident, thank you for allowing me to see the outstanding comrades in the comrade team up close, let’s stop our contact, and leave a memory, it’s better than anything else!

Sincerely, fellow watchmen.

Maybe I've learned that the best way to avoid pain is to know how to say no before you get rejected.

I lit a cigarette, tore off the draft of the letter, put it in the trash can, and sighed, once upon a time, I had a stubborn idea in my mind, just like in Journey to the West, No.60 five chapters "Yaoxie assumes that Xiaoleiyin four people They all suffered great calamity”, Sun Wukong was trapped in the cymbal, he asked Kang Jinlong to insert the horn into the cymbal, then he turned the golden cudgel into a steel drill, drilled a hole in Kang Jinlong’s horn, and turned it into a steel drill. It was a wisp of green smoke, hidden in the cave, and just escaped from the trap.

I thought to myself, even if it is a dead end, I have to find a way out.Through this meeting, I suddenly discovered that what I have been looking for is not just a shelter under my underwear, but a kind of spiritual resonance, or a kind of belonging.

"Looking for a middle-aged man near Guangzhou who has a family, love, sense of responsibility, a stable job, and who can occasionally accept same-sex sex without affecting the families of both parties. If you are interested, please add a chat!" How ideal! An idea that seems high-sounding and watertight, is actually pushing yourself to the root of pain.Unless human civilization advances or degenerates to the point that men can eat at home like male dogs, and run to the next village when they are in heat, or to the next village of the next village, or further afield, to find mating partners, blatantly Yes, no worries, no memories!

……………………………….

People's thoughts are always wandering and changing in a relative space, following the constantly shaking questions in their minds, and following the constantly changing reality in their sight.

Love is far away, sex is close, love is close, sex is far away, I don't know if this can be used to describe most gay emotions.

Actually, at that time, I already knew what is one, what is zero, what is a bear, what is a monkey, what is a bend, what is a straight, what is a circle.

I also plunged into it. In it, I saw various situations. When I gathered them together, I felt the overall feeling. There are two phenomena, two words, one is chaos and the other is suffering.

As one of them, I am like a fleeing famine walking on desert and swamp roads, going back and forth, fleeing famine when I go, and fleeing panic when I come back. Most of the time, famine and panic coexist, and I can’t escape. , unable to shake off, tossing and turning in the mind, like the entangled clothes in the drum washing machine, endlessly, making people's heart always unsettled, it seems to be a thief, and it may be better than a thief.

To be honest, I don't like this circle very much, it's messy, just like I don't like my family very much, it's noisy, but there's no way, I'm a member of this circle, just like I'm a member of this family As a member, it cannot be changed.Therefore, in many cases, even if the inner criticism of oneself has been upgraded from good to bad, it is about sin.

However, I have to face some unavoidable problems, to explore this circle, to understand this circle, even if it ruins my reputation, just like I have to defend my family, to protect my family, even if I lose my life.

Because, this is not just staying at the level of likes and dislikes.

………………………!

"At this time, it was early morning, when I almost trembled and wrote this name, I felt that the deeply concealed true self had finally come out of the chaos, out of the concealment, out of the half-dead, and finally reborn alive with flesh and blood! I'm not me, I'm Tong Ge!"

Excerpted from "I am not me, I am Tong Ge".His sentence: "Are we breaking the law? Or are the police breaking the law?" He said it in a soothing and gentle manner, but it made me burst into tears.This is a comrade who has gone through hardships and still smiles at life, a living comrade, thanks to Tong Ge, and moved by his stubborn truth.

"Bachelor of Columbia University, master of East Asian Institute of Harvard University, student of Confucianist Tu Weiming. At the age of 27, he became the joint director of a Swiss bank in Hong Kong. Two years later, he was awarded the vice president of a French bank. In the late 2s, Du Cong first In contact with AIDS patients in the Mainland. After entering Shangcai, Henan under the leadership of No. 90 AIDS prevention No. 1 Gao Yaojie, Du Cong ended his previous glory and dreams without hesitation. He was awarded: Hong Kong Top Ten Outstanding Youth, World Top Ten Outstanding Youth, CCTV2005 " Touching China" Candidate." This is Mr. Du Cong.

Oriental Morning Post: When did you found Chi Heng Foundation?Du Cong: In 1998, I founded the charity organization "Zhixing" with three like-minded friends.The original intention of the establishment was to promote equality and create a harmonious and healthy society.Much of our work is civic education, primarily targeting non-queer people.Oriental Morning Post: Why are non-comrades instead of gays?Du Cong: Because the source of discrimination comes from non-homosexuals and their ignorance of homosexuals.If we don't communicate with non-queer people, we can't clear up their misunderstandings.Oriental Morning Post: What attitude do you want people to treat comrades with?Du Cong: Treat homosexuality with a normal heart.We don't want you to be especially nice to our group, we don't need sympathy.I just hope that everyone treats us like ordinary friends.Thanks to Du Cong, touched by his kindness and compassion.

"This is a special group that walks on the edge of traditional morality. People are full of confusion and curiosity about them. There are also vigorous love stories between them, but they have been looking forward to social approval in darkness and silence." Watch Thanks to "A Date with Luyu" for "Two Men's 20 Years of Marriage", thank you to Chen Luyu, and thank you to many media people like her.

Some people say that a name can reflect a lot of information about a person. Some people say that the size of the font written by a person can also reflect the personality of the person. Let alone a novel with so many words, even if it is not his own story, It can also gain insight into some kind of reality.Just read other people's stories and live your own life.Thanks for related gay sites like Shulian.

"Including my supervisor, who is recognized as one of the most knowledgeable professors in my medical school. He has won the National Natural Science Foundation of China twice. After being discovered, every political study was "criticized" for two hours. I went to see When he was there, he suddenly burst into tears and said: What have I done in my life? "A doctor who is willing to cut his own body for medical experiments, do you think he is a good person or a bad person? "

"In recent years, with the tolerance of the mainstream culture (including the official attitude) towards the gay subculture, the living conditions of this group have improved, but the ultimate goal they pursue - equality, remains the same for the foreseeable time. It is an extravagant hope!" I want to say again: Because, many times, many people around us are used to taking indifference as tolerance!Thanks to Mr. Zhang Beichuan, to his mentors, and to their kindness and fraternity.

………………!

Hehe, it seems to be a little messy again.Time flows, old and new alternate, old, the above paragraphs are from newspapers, from the Internet, from video, from the reality of TV, many comrades have read it, maybe it has become old, for me, they are still fresh, Flipping and reading is like opening the window in the morning and breathing fresh air. It gives people strength and is a kind of energy. This is the positive energy that I didn't see at the time, but I felt it later, the positive energy among comrades!