Jean Love

After saying goodbye, I locked the door and took a shower. Before going to bed, I held a water glass and thought about the feeling of being with him just now. It was very good, like a brother or a father, very warm.The intensity with which he patted my shoulder and the words he left behind played repeatedly in my mind.Let me raise a power in my heart, that power is called self-confidence, which is a kind of self-confidence that is stimulated or reminded.

In fact, I have low self-esteem. It started when I knew how to cry and yelled to my parents not to fight. It started when I saw that other students had sneakers but I didn’t. From the time when I was sure that I wouldn’t grow taller anymore. It started when I knew for sure that I liked mature guys of the same sex.

That kind of inferiority complex spreads all over the body and is deeply rooted, like a tumor, like a germ, eating me and tormenting me, especially when I am alone in the dead of night.

Because I always feel that most of the time, I am abandoned, excluded, and put on the bench.Verification In the days when I first came out to look for a job, when I think about it later, I still feel sad.

In the second half of 99, I came to Dongguan to look for a job in the name of an internship. At that time, my brother Chen Xiong was working at the Shenghu Hotel in Houjie. In addition, I had a good classmate who was from Houjie, Dongguan.Because of a dependence, I came directly to Dongguan.

At the beginning, I lived and ate in my brother's dormitory secretly, but it wasn't long before I was persuaded to leave.Later, I came to live at my classmate's house. I lived there for more than a month. The classmate was loyal and didn't say anything. It's just that I was always embarrassed. Living like this is not an option.

For more than a month, I have been desperately looking for a job. At first, I was thinking about finding a more decent job, but I have no actual skills, no work experience, and I haven’t even got a diploma. I have to find a good job. The work is not easy.Gradually, I asked my brother and classmates to find recommendations from acquaintances. Every time I met a real person, they would politely decline.

I clearly remember that my brother rode a bicycle and took me to look for a job. On the way back without success, he said: "If you grow taller, it will be easier. If your major is not hotel management, it will be easier. If you It will be easy to come out when a large number of workers are recruited at the end of the year... ".It made me want to jump off the car, jump off the bike, jump in and out of the big car and small car.So for a long time, I was very disgusted with the hypothetical language with "if".

After more than half a month, they helped to ask what should be found and what could be found.My classmates were busy, so I didn't care too much about it, and my brother couldn't do anything, so I had to borrow a bicycle and asked me to look around by myself.

When I came to the Humen labor market, I was asked to pay a deposit of [-] yuan, but I said no.

"What about two hundred?"

"nor."

"Forget it, pay one hundred, and help you contact a handyman."

I rummaged through my pockets and said timidly, "One hundred is not enough."

The man gave me a blank look, didn't speak, turned around and went to do other things.

I went to many factories. Small factories generally do not recruit people, and even if they do, they rarely post notices.Big factories are recruiting people, and there will be signs such as "recruitment" and "recruitment" at the gate of the factory, but they can't get in, and they are stopped by security guards many times. "

I'm a stupid person, when I heard this, I could only leave resentfully.I came back the next day, back and forth, and for more than a month, from Baisha to Chenwu, in the streets and alleys, I almost squinted my eyes without getting lost.

In my heart, I still want to find professional counterparts in the service industry, such as hotels, so I stick to this point, but others ridicule me.

One day, I saw a rectangular wooden board supported by a triangular iron frame at the entrance of "Ruyueming Hotel". A piece of red paper was pasted on the wooden board, and the big "recruitment" was written on the red paper.The signature is, job interview, please go to the fifth floor.

I went in directly, passed the big red plastic carpet on the first floor, didn't find the elevator, ran up the stairs, went to the entrance on the fifth floor, and tidied up my clothes a little.Walking forward slowly, I met a man and three girls in the passage talking about something, which looked like a leader.I rubbed my Adam's apple: "Excuse me, is this place recruiting?"

A girl turned her head, but the man didn't notice. I stood up straight again, clasped my hands in front of the belt buckle, lowered my head slightly, and repeated: "Excuse me, is this a job opening?"

At this time, the man turned his head, looked at me for two seconds, and glared: "Who asked you to come up?"

I was timid: "I just saw your job advertisement downstairs."

"Go down and take a closer look. If you lose your old mother, you can't even tell the difference between a man and a woman?" The man said loudly, startling the girls next to him.I was taken aback too.I was speaking Mandarin, but I could understand Cantonese.

Go down to the first floor and look at the recruitment, it turns out that it says that only female workers are recruited.

Another time, I went to the ancient city hotel to apply for a kitchen worker, and the supervisor asked me: "Have you done this before?"

"I've done it. Not for a long time." I stiffened my neck and said this pre-rehearsed line as if I was acting.

"Oh, we only recruit those with relevant experience here."

"Should be fine. Please give me a chance." I don't know why he took me to the kitchen.

"Here, this piece of ginger, you choose the knife on the knife holder and shred it." He looked at me.

I didn't hesitate, this time I saw clearly that the job recruitment said that you must have experience, so even if I don't have experience, I have to pretend to be very experienced. I took out a thinner kitchen knife, sliced ​​it first, laid it out, and then cut Silk.Duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo duo dude Jumped to the thumb of the left hand, blood was seen immediately, and the stuffing was exposed.

"I'm sorry." When he left, the man patted me on the shoulder.

"I'm sorry." I nodded to him with a smile, grasped the thumb of my left hand with the palm of my right hand, and left.

The most humble time, at the Holy Lake Hotel, I saw a recruitment notice, which read:

1 One security guard, male, over 30 years old, with a veteran's certificate is preferred.

2 There are many waiters, male or female, with good facial features, and those with relevant experience are preferred.

3 Two cleaners, no restrictions.

My brother asked for me before, and my height of 1.5 meters and three was no longer enough, but I still had the mentality of giving it a try and went to the personnel department. Minister Wu of the personnel department gave me a form.I filled it out carefully and realistically. In the column of academic qualifications, I wrote technical secondary school.In the column of specialties, I wrote that I passed the Cambridge BEC Intermediate Exam with a certificate.

After filling it out, I handed it to her. She looked me over and asked, "What position are you applying for?"

"Waiter." I smiled.

"Hmm... sorry, the height requirement for our male waiters is at least 1.6 meters five." She shrugged, spread her hands, smiled and said apologetically before reading the job application form I filled out.

"Then..., where is the cleaner? Can I?" Seeing her kindness, I was reluctant to leave.

When she heard that I wanted to apply for a job as a cleaner, she stopped the smile on her face, became serious, and looked seriously at the job application form I just handed to her in her hand for a minute or two.Looking at me, she smiled sweetly again: "No, don't waste your education, look for it again, and leave me a contact information."

When it comes to this point, I can't rely on others.On the way home, I repeatedly recalled the warm smile and kind words of Minister Wu of the Personnel Department, and felt the true feelings between people.I am grateful.

The next day, I didn't go out to look for a job. I stayed at my classmate's house, holding a book and pretending. In fact, I couldn't see it.On the third day, on the fourth day..., I was afraid to go out and find a job. I couldn't even be a cleaner, what else could I do?

The days went back to when I first came here, day after day, day after day.

Don't say it's embarrassing to live in a classmate's house. I can't afford it financially. My brother has no savings, and his salary is not high. At that time, he even had a girlfriend.My family is also in dire straits, and the 4600 yuan I owe the school for training has not yet been paid, so how dare I continue to drag it down.

I was anxious, but it was useless. Living in the small western-style building of my classmate's house, it seemed comfortable and comfortable, but in fact there was nothing I could do.Until my classmate's family members came back from Hong Kong and found me.The next night, my classmate's mother came to chat with me about being a human being and dealing with the world, and she asked me very concerned, "Why don't you find a job and earn your own living?"