Jean Love

My elder brother was addicted to gambling, and my father complained on the phone every day: "Such a kid! He slept until after nine o'clock in the morning, and went to play cards at noon. What kind of career did he do?".

The last time when Zhao Xin and Hongchang went home to apply for a marriage certificate, their mother also confirmed: "It's annoying to see, it doesn't look like farming at all."

In November [-], due to business needs, Chen Wu went home and bought a motorcycle. When he came down, he took Lin Zi's husband with him. They had dinner at night and talked about his brother. Chen Wu was very angry: "I The first time I went home and had a fight with him, I smashed a stool, and he smashed a kettle. After that, I came out, played at Lin Zi’s house for a day, and stayed for a night.” When mentioning this matter, Chen Wu was still full of anger, with an extremely helpless expression.

"Why are you so angry?" Hearing this, my mother and I looked at him at the same time.

"Gambling money at home, not worrying about making a living, so poor that we don't trust him, put the money in other people's hands, and don't give it to him directly." Chen Wu stared angrily, turned his head and looked around, Looking at his mother, he asked loudly, "Who is it? Who of you put 1000 yuan in Miss Xinlan's place?"

"Oh, this one, it's your second brother. During the Ching Ming Festival, I was worried that he would have no money for production and investment."

"It's superfluous, death is his business, like now, not only don't know how to appreciate, but also have more resentment, is it worth it?"

"I didn't know it would happen, I just wanted to help." I lowered my head, my body trembling imperceptibly.

"What's the use of mud if it won't stick to the wall?" Chen Wu was still very excited.

"Brothers are getting married and have children. It's best to separate and support yourself. You should live a good life first, and don't worry about them." "If they live badly, they will die." "I've taught you before, when I opened the shop over there, I said, if you don't believe me, you can't help, it's not the same if you help, has it changed, you are 40 years old, dare to use it Pointing fingers at his parents, can such a person help?" Lin Zi's husband said while eating.

"We were separated before, but, seeing his desolate appearance, I remembered all the good things about him. After all, he is a brother." My body was still trembling slightly, and I seemed to have no strength to say these words.

"To help is to help. Depending on the situation, he gambles every day. Why do you help him?"

"So I had to give the money to my sister, and then remind him to ask my sister to borrow some money when he really needs it."

"Then how did he know that you put 1000 yuan with my sister?" Chen Wu asked.

"I told him. When he called to ask about the farmland subsidy, I told him. By the way, I also told him that your second brother is unemployed. We will go home soon. The whole family will go back and tell him to have a baby." Xingxing, by the way, ask him to help us find out if there is any suitable rental house in the town, the one with three bedrooms and one living room." The mother put down the tableware with a sad face.

Xiaojing maintained her usual silence, put a vegetable in a bowl, chewed slowly, lowered her head slightly, and looked at the bottom of the pot with her eyes. There was still a lot of chicken at the bottom of the pot, and a few green vegetables were floating on top, and the soup was bubbling. Soaking, she reached out to turn off the small gas stove, stroked the hair that fell on the right eyebrow, and continued to eat gracefully.

My mother stopped the chopsticks first, and I was full, "Hey, you eat so little? Hurry up, there are so many more. Look, there are still a few dishes left in the pot. How can we finish eating? Come on." Come, eat, eat." Lin Zi's husband turned his back on customers and greeted him grinningly, picked up an open small bottle of strong wine, bumped it with Chen Wu, tilted his neck, took a sip, took a long breath, raised his chopsticks, I picked up a piece of fish head that had just been put down, sucked it up, and ate it.

Chen Wu also said a few angry words from time to time, and my mother stopped talking, shaking her head lightly, with a tired expression on her face, I didn't want to say anything, I adjusted my emotions in my heart, settled down, no complaints, no hatred, what to do, what to do, I After doing that, I will not have so much trouble when I have no money to eat in the future.

Lin Zi's husband changed the subject in a timely manner, made some light-hearted jokes, pushed cups and raised chopsticks, and came and went with Chen Wu.

On November 27, [-], we were eating in the evening. Chen Wu’s family of three, my mother and I were sitting opposite each other, around the small round table, when we received a call from my youngest cousin who was working in Shenzhen. He asked me how I was doing, and I said I had resigned. He was surprised and asked me what my plans were. I said I'll see when I get there. I want to take a rest and go home first.

"It doesn't work like this. When I stop, people will be scattered, my heart will be scattered, and I will lose my fighting spirit." My cousin said.

"Brother, I'm divorced, you should already know about it?"

"I found out when I went home for National Day, and everyone was talking about it." There was no surprise in his words, but a little regret and confusion.Then he sighed again: "You have done a great job of keeping secrets."

There was a slack smile on my face, yes, I did a good job of keeping secrets, even such a shrewd mother around me was fooled by me, how tense my nerves were during that time, how alive I was How tired, no one knows.

"Do you know what your brother is doing at home?" the cousin asked in a secretive tone.

"I know, let's play chess at the market, on the day of the market." I said, in a flat tone.I also explained: "This is called remnant chess. You can often see it in night markets, parks, and market gates in Foshan. It looks like foreign wandering entertainers, or domestic quack priests. Oh, who cares, everyone has his own ambitions. Everyone has their own preferences, he likes it, and neither steals nor robs, this can be regarded as a means of making a living, and these are not a problem.” I deliberately understated it, but my heart hurts.

"How much money can you make?"

"I haven't asked about this. He's been here too. When it's good, there are hundreds of them, and sometimes there's nothing."

"This kind of life is too mysterious."

"Yes, my mother also persuaded him, he likes it."

"Oh, I thought you didn't know, let me remind you, how can this be done? Running around with a bag on your back, homeless, no stability, society is so chaotic and complicated." My cousin's tone also calmed down, no longer so surprised.

"Is it okay? He knows it himself. He is 40 years old and can't control it anymore."

"That's right, oops, when will you go home for the Chinese New Year?"

"We'll wait for Xiaojing to go on vacation. We'll go back when she's on vacation. We'll talk when we get home, brother."

My cousin cared about us, but I seemed to regard him as a concern, and hung up the phone. I could only thank him from the bottom of my heart, and then erected the only arms I had, as if to hide a family ugliness.

I seem to hear the sound of the wall creaking and breaking, and the dilapidated building collapsing. This family is about to fall apart.

These years, I tried to help him, but in the end, I didn't know whether I was helping him or hurting him. I still felt like I was being tied up.

"Why are you crying?"

"It's been more than ten years, and my mother's illness is still not cured, and your gambling addiction is still so strong, and my heart is still like that lonely ghost who only dares to come out to wander at night."

"Where is her health? Where is your life? Where is my belonging? We will all grow old, but at the age when our parents need to rely on, we are juniors, but we still feel at ease and enjoy their life for granted. Take care, don't you feel ashamed? I'm sad! Me!"

That night, I had a nightmare. In the dream, I was hysterical and chattering endlessly.

Struggling, waking up, the surroundings are dark, you can't see your fingers, everything is swallowed up, the night is so quiet, so quiet that you can only hear your own ups and downs breathing, and some truth, which is hanging in your eyes. undried tears.

There is rain and dew in the sky, and there is growth on the ground. For a long time, maybe I was too pessimistic. He will be fine, and he will use his survival skills to live well.

Beginning in December, my elder brother took over some small projects, helping others to pour slabs, some privately owned and some small real estate developers, and called some capable villagers to act as supervisors and lead his team, including Murongqian, including Father, unloading cement, pushing sand, turning on the mixer....Sweat, hard work, day and night, sometimes all night, seems to be extremely busy.

We asked him and his father to find a house for rent in the town. A few days later, my brother happily said, "I found the house, two bedrooms, one living room, and a separate kitchen." We asked how the external environment was, and he said that there was a large pond.We said no, we couldn't have it, we were worried about the safety of our two children.

My father also called: "I found it, four bedrooms and one living room, with a separate kitchen, a small yard, suitable for children to play, see, I still want to help." My father was very proud, and then kept asking us what we were talking about. time to go back.