Pavlov and the White Moonlight

The days are so salty and light.This is the first winter in the rest of our life, and it is as pure white as the sun and as warm as snowflakes.Those surging pains, I know its aftershocks are still lingering on the skin of Tang Shuhe and me, carving deep and shallow scars, and what I want to do now is for those throbbing pains and throbbing warmth Make some addenda and footnotes.

Lu Bowen didn't have a big reaction to having a baby dad at home, but he was very jealous of the second child Corgi at the beginning. The two dogs fought for a long time. During that time, dog hair was flying around the house, and Tang Shuhe and I could eat dog hair in our mouths when we spat. The expressions on each other's faces were very complicated, and I wondered if the other party was too annoyed to secretly bite the dog.But there are also many good days.Every night, Tang Shuhe and I go for a walk with the dog, wandering around the corners of the city.At that time we walked side by side, our fingers intertwined openly, and we no longer need to care about other people's eyes like we did when we were young. When others were looking at us, I saw Tang Shuhe's eyes looking at me, and he smiled gently at me. Time, time opens in front of us and closes behind us.

And the years leave us with stings from time to time.Tang Youwen's mother called Tang Shuhe on the first seven days, asking him to go back to mourn his father's funeral. Tang Shuhe and I had a big fight with her and then went out to walk the dog.Tang Shuhe was quite calm, I thought the matter was over, but Tang Shuhe abnormally didn't get up early the next day, when I woke up, I found him still lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling quietly, suppressing my breathing, I hurriedly gave up Get up and ask him what's the matter, his eyes don't move, he stared blankly for a while, then whispered Lu Huai, you hug me.

At that time, my heart seemed to be pinched hard by someone, and I said hug him for as long as I want, let’s not go to work today, okay, I got up and hugged him, like an octopus with hands and feet, covering his whole body I held him firmly in my arms, but I accidentally hugged him too tightly. He was already having a fast heartbeat and difficulty in breathing. I glanced at me, smiled at me, I wiped the cold sweat off his forehead, his eyes were not focused, he stretched out a hand to cover my face, my lips slipped down, and kissed the tattoo on his wrist .

This kind of thing doesn't always happen, his symptoms are indeed getting lighter and lighter, but once it happens, it always makes me feel bad for a long time, it becomes a barb in my heart, every time I think of his appearance at that time It was so painful that I wanted to squat on the ground.The first time he couldn't hide it from me and said after a panic attack in my arms that he might never be able to change back to the way I liked it, the second time he waited until I woke up before whispering Lu Huai hug me .So I can never close my eyes and expose everything he has encountered.The video his aunt sent me has also been in my mobile phone, and I can't watch it or delete it.I later went to investigate the so-called "school". The main person in charge disappeared from public view after the school was closed.After several twists and turns, I found this person’s name at the corporate legal person of another company. Two years before Tang Shuhe returned to China, the mayor of my hometown, Shuanggui, was sacked. In the same year, this person was imprisoned for illegal business operations and sentenced to fixed-term imprisonment. ten years.

crime of illegal business operation.Faced with this result, I almost sneered.I was afraid that Tang Shuhe would be in a bad mood when he heard this, so I kept checking behind his back, but when we were messing around in the study that day, I forgot to turn off the computer, and I accidentally let him see it. He was stunned when he saw it, and his face was not right Yes, ask me what I want to do.

I was startled: "What's wrong?"

He didn't bother to talk to me, and simply browsed my computer interface with his hands propped on the table. After a long time, his expression relaxed, and he said to himself: "He really went to prison."

"Hey," I sighed, "although it's not because... I went in."

His expression was still dull, and he walked out without saying a word for a long time. I sat there for a while and followed him. He stood on the balcony drinking water with his back to me. I hugged him from behind, resting my chin on his shoulder On the way, he held the cup in one hand and put the other on my hand. Without turning his head, he whispered, "It's been eight years, and I still dare not look at his face."

"It's okay," I smiled, and whispered into his ear, "Student Shu Xiaohe, do you still remember what I told you before...well, a long time ago?"

He hummed, raised his voice at the end, and waited for me to speak. I said, "'When you are scared, you can look at me. If you must look directly, then I will look directly at you'——Damn, Tang Shuhe, what kind of expression do you have? , don’t tell me you forgot.”

We laughed together.

He lowered his head with a smile and said, "How could I forget?"

Without turning on the lights, the night hugged us like water, I hugged him, my heart pressed against his chest, the stars and moon eight years ago were in a trance like the stars last night, I heard him suppress his voice softly, like waking up Something like: "Lu Huai, don't investigate this matter further."

"Huh?" I reacted, "You...you don't want to get involved in this matter anymore, you don't want this matter to disturb you anymore, do you?"

He took a deep breath and said, "I'm too cowardly."

"No," I said, "it's just life."

He didn't speak.I kissed his earlobe: "Go back? Lie down with me for a while."

He put the water glass on the small coffee table by the bay window, and led me into the bedroom. Although I still can’t eat it now, it’s okay to have a taste. I stick to him, and I always have to look up at his mouth Look, he was holding my head, still a little stiff and nervous, his eyes flicked around, when I kissed him, his black hair was messed up, his arms climbed up, and after a while he held my face again, I listened in a state of distraction. Until he said softly: "Lu Huai, I just want... I want to have a good time with you."

I paused, let go of him, he looked at me, his eyes were as clear as water, he had nothing to do with confusion and love, he was so serious that it hurts, I stroked his hair, straightened up, and let his soft black Straighten your hair, say yes, if you want to forget, I will forget with you, we... we will be fine.

To be honest, I didn’t take his problems too seriously. It’s still a long time, and it can be cured slowly. The doctor’s advice to us is to try not to use medicine, and try to focus on this... gentle and gradual stimulation. Oops, oops, that's all I can say, I won't be allowed to write more about this fucking broken website, anyone who understands it will understand it.But it’s hard for me to control the speed of doing things with the door closed. We both drank some wine on New Year’s Day, and the heating in the house was fully turned on. When the warm wind blew in, both he and I were a little dizzy. That night, the style of painting was a little bit wild, and I was so excited that I squeezed a leg between his knees and touched his slender ankle, and then I only had time to hear him make a short "woo", In the next second, I was... How should I put it, I can't say it was kicked, anyway, I was ejected to the mattress with a sudden duai, and I sat there with my legs crossed in a daze. Two seconds later, my ribs There was a sharp pain from the fan.

Tang Shuhe was still lying on his back, in a state of stress, with his legs curled up, maintaining the posture of an old rabbit kicking me, panting quickly, I saw him like that, and quickly reached out to touch his hand: "It's okay Ah, don’t be afraid it’s me, it’s okay, it’s okay, it won’t be like this next time.”

He was stunned for two seconds, and when he saw my Xizi holding the kidney, his expression became even more frightened, and he turned over and sat up: "Did I kick you just now? Where did I kick you?"

I thought he was fine, so I felt relieved, but the pain came up all of a sudden, my fucking head buzzed, and the gold stars in front of me formed hiccups and farts for a while, and sat for a long time, lightly He tapped his knee lightly, "Why do you still have feet on your knee jump reflex switch!"

Tang Shuhe's face turned ashen, and the redness from the wine disappeared, and he knelt down in front of me, unable to say a word. I rubbed it for a while, and then I laughed out loud.

He lowered his head, stretched out his hand to touch it, but didn't dare, and said, "Is it serious, let's go to the doctor..."

"Seriously, I missed them all," I said, "Did you hear that?"

"……what?"

I clutched my waist and said, "Here, the air is leaking, and it's blowing."

Tang Shuhe shook his head, put his hands on my waist, leaned his head closer, and said, "Breathe in."

I took a breath, and he listened for a long time on his stomach, then he let out a long breath and said, "The bone should be fine."

"It's okay." I twisted my waist back and forth, "You still listen to this? You are not a medical student."

Tang Shuhe didn't raise his head, just sat there with his shoulders hunched, looking like a thief. That night he was always nervous and demanding. I forced him to rub his stomach, and then made supper. The two of them sat on the bed in the middle of the night. After eating snacks, the bed was full of scum, and I wiped his face with the back of my hand: "Okay, it's almost a night with shameful eyebrows and drooping eyes. Go to bed after eating."

He sighed, and while dusting the crumbs on the ground, he muttered in a low voice, saying over and over again, how could I have kicked you, how could I have kicked you, I lay down on the bed, and said, "This is a physiological reaction, don't Think about it, or I will order Lu Bowen to wake you up tomorrow, and we will be even."

Tang Shuhe agreed without hesitation, but I clearly saw a trace of desire for survival flashed in this person's eyes. He hesitated for a moment, and added in a low voice: "...you should kick me."

I fucking woke up Lu Bowen with a smile.

"Well," I slapped my hands, "let's see if it's okay to get kicked today? If I don't touch it, you can't wake up Cyclops and stare me to death, can you?"

He nodded immediately.Just for kicking me like this tonight, I really feel that Tang Shuhe is about to be pricked by his own conscience.

I don’t know if what happened later was tormenting him or me. I obsessively asked him to roll up his clothes to his chest, hold the corners of the clothes in his mouth, and admire Tang Shuhe’s waist for a while. I couldn’t describe the scene very specifically. , Only a small light was turned on in the bedroom, Tang Shuhe knelt in front of me and looked at me with the hem of his clothes in his mouth. I just want to say that I couldn't think at all at the time, and a poem flashed in my buzzing head:

When drunk, he turned on the lamp to watch the sword, dreaming back to blow the horns and even camp.

It feels like a person who is about to lose his mind.

Later, I went to the bathroom by myself in great pain. When I was about to fall asleep that night, I heard Tang Shuhe say: "...I want to use some medicine."

"Huh?" I suddenly woke up, "What?"

He faltered and said: "That's the kind..." It was probably the first time he said the name of this thing, and he made an r sound after holding back for a long time.

"No," I said, "that's not good for your health."

"I've checked, that one has no side effects on the body..."

"Are you still going to check? Don't worry about it, I'll tell you," I patted him through the quilt, "Tang Shuhe, trust me, I've been waiting for eight years, don't worry about this moment, just like this bed It's like a quilt... hey, isn't this quilt turned upside down?"

I was a little embarrassed, the two of them turned over the quilt and covered it and retracted into the bed. Tang Shuhe showed his eyes and said, "It's like this quilt, what's wrong?"

"It's just... a lifetime. We still have a long, long time—" I said, I spread my arms and gestured, and hugged him casually, "It's such a long time, you can take your time, right?"

He hugged me, rubbing his forehead against my collarbone.

"I want to eat noodles tomorrow morning, you have to wake up early and help me fry the sauce." I said.

He nodded.I am a little sleepy.

The world is as peaceful as the patterns on our quilts.

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