bud

"The weather is nice today, where does Xiao Yu want to go?"

The biting winter has passed, and now Baihua Street is full of spring, Jiang Lai leads Jiang Yu down the street, holding a bag of mung bean cakes in his hand.

Jiang Yu had just eaten two pieces, and the smell was still in his mouth. He licked the corners of his lips, and looked up to see the swallow-shaped kite in the sky.

Jiang Lai took him to the street to pick, but there were not many patterns, so Jiang Yu chose a bird.

Before going out, Jiang Dezhi repeatedly told Jiang Lai to be careful. After going out, Jiang Yu saw Zi Luo's figure walking from the other side of the alley.He tugged at the hem of Jiang Lai's clothes, stared at Zi Luo with wide eyes, looked at Zi Luo for a long time, and finally said, do you want to fly a kite with us?

Zi Luo's eyes were bright and dark, and when he looked at him, he was full of smiles.

There were many people near Tian'an Lake, and there were also many people flying kites. It took Jiang Lai a long time to choose a relatively open place. He taught Jiang Yu to run forward with a string, but he failed repeatedly, and the kites fell down again and again.

Jiang Yu stopped there in frustration, Jiang Lai smiled and said, try again.

Zi Luo took the kite away from him, looked at him and said, let's go together.

The two small figures ran forward. Jiang Yu didn't know how far they ran. He only knew that the last kite flew far and high. Cannot be retracted.

They were only four years old this year.

"Xiao Yu!"

A soft call came from afar.

It was a hot summer day, four-year-old Jiang Yu was wearing a cartoon T-shirt, hiding in a dead end secretly eating popsicles, when he heard the sound, he was so frightened that he quickly bit the ice in his mouth and swallowed it, which made him feel cold. I couldn't close my mouth for a long time.

Seeing his appearance, Jiang Lai couldn't laugh or cry, and couldn't bear to blame him, so he just nodded his head: "If I don't let you eat, you will sneak out, right?"

Jiang Yu's mouth was so cold that he lost consciousness, he just opened it slightly and looked at him, still holding the small wooden stick in his hand.

"I said that I can only eat one for two days. What should you do if you eat two today and have diarrhea again?" Jiang Lai helped him wipe his mouth and held his hand, "Okay, this time I will treat it as nothing See, there will be no next time."

Jiang Lai has always loved him, and Jiang Yu knows it.He wiped his other hand and held him firmly with both hands. Before entering the house, a boy ran out from the yard next to him.

The boy looked exquisite, with a smile on his brows and eyes. When he saw Jiang Yu, he seemed to want to run over, but stopped when he saw Jiang Lai, and waved his little hand at him with a smile.

Jiang Yu also saw Zi Luo, he tugged at Jiang Lai's arm, and pointed at Zi Luo when he looked over.

Jiang Lai patted his head and said, let's go.

In the breeze, Jiang Yu ran towards Zi Luo.

The autumn in Baihua Street is stronger than that in the city. The dead leaves on the roadside have all fallen. Jiang Yu is still waiting for someone to pick him up in the kindergarten. Most of the people left, and he was the only one left.

He was a little anxious, clutching the hem of his clothes with both hands, rubbing some dust on the clothes.

When the teacher was about to call Xu Meiyin, Jiang Yu stopped her and said that someone would come to pick him up, but it would be later.

The teacher was defeated by his persistence and asked him to go back to the office and not allow him to run around.

Four-year-old Jiang Yu stood on tiptoe and leaned on the window to stare at the gate. He checked the time again and again, and half an hour had passed.

He was sitting in the corner, staring at the pear the teacher gave him, and suddenly heard the sound of running.He suddenly stood up straight and looked towards the door, and saw Zi Luo appearing at the door with his schoolbag on his back, and then he saw Xie Xiaoan.

Before Jiang Lai finished school, Zi Luo brought Xie Xiaoan over to pick him up.

He had dinner at Ziluo's house, and after the meal he ran to wash the pears, and said to Ziluo, each of us has half.

Xie Xiaoan said with a smile at the time, pears cannot be shared.

Jiang Yu and Zi Luo didn't understand, they glanced at each other and felt that the taste of pears was very sweet.

The fireworks that year were gorgeous, Jiang Yu always remembered.

Jiang Lai walked through the ghost gate once. Not long after he was discharged from the hospital, Jiang Yu was led out of the house by him on the night of the fireworks festival on New Year's Eve. There were many people around him. The fireworks did not stop for two hours. Jiang Yu saw the little fire flying into the sky, and all kinds of flowers bloomed.

When he saw a firework with a parachute pattern, he excitedly pulled Jiang Lai's hand, turned his head and saw Zi Luo not far away, the light from the firework illuminated his pupils, Jiang Yu saw him smiling Turning his head, reaching out and waving at him, he shouted, Happy New Year.

He stared blankly at Zi Luo's smiling face, and even forgot to look at the fireworks.

Chinese New Year is a day for family reunion, Jiang Yu received Jiang Lai's red envelope this year, he went back to the house and looked at the bright red red envelope curiously, after opening it, he saw 200 yuan.

He vaguely remembered that Jiang Lai sometimes came back late, and he also remembered that Jiang Dezhi had expressed his dissatisfaction with his part-time job. Jiang Yu guessed that this should be the money Jiang Lai earned through hard work.

He ran to Jiang Lai's house, folded the brand new 200 yuan, and stuffed it into the piggy bank on Jiang Lai's desk.

The taste of the new year gradually faded, and Jiang Lai took Jiang Yu to Tian'an Lake. It was a sunny day, and many people were walking on the track. There were too many people, and Jiang Yu got lost.

This loss lasted several hours, and he didn't dare to move or cry, for fear that passers-by would spot him and abduct him.He stood still and stared blankly at the surroundings, and saw the lake sparkling in the sun in the distance.

This lake is very big, and no one around is approaching. He walked over step by step and stretched his head to look at the reflection in the lake, picked up small stones and threw them into the lake, watching the ripples on the lake, his appearance was not clear.

He didn't know how long he had been playing like this, but he heard a faint call.

The voice was anxious, calling his name one after another, Jiang Yu recognized Jiang Lai's voice, he turned around and ran, but when he was just going up the slope, his feet slipped and he leaned back.

The lake water in winter was icy cold, and at that moment, it seemed that he had entered a place colder than an ice cellar. Jiang Yu couldn't open his eyes, couldn't use his strength, and couldn't breathe. As soon as he opened his mouth, cold water flowed down his throat into his chest cavity .

As he was dying, Jiang Yu heard shouts getting closer, and his anxiety turned into fear.

There was a "plop", as if someone jumped down.

After that day, Jiang Yu woke up and couldn't remember anything.

His memories are all temporary, the Jiang Dezhi he saw was fierce, and the Xu Meiyin he saw was indifferent. Standing in the yard, he heard someone calling him, turned around, and saw Zi Luo was sunny.

……

Jiang Yu woke up in suffocation, his forehead was covered with sweat.

There is no silence in Baihua Hutong at night in the urban area, and there are often horns and voices. In the past few months after moving, his sleep has been worse than in Baihua Hutong. He has nightmares almost every night and struggles every night. He woke up with a start, tonight he didn't know when he fell asleep, and now he just felt out of breath.

The suffocation-like pain made him gasp for breath, and he grabbed the piece of cloth on his chest, feeling that his thoughts were about to burst through his brain. Since his memory was complete, he had repeatedly had the nightmare of falling into the lake, and He would repeatedly dream of him and Zi Luo before he was five years old.

The memory of him and Zi Luo for 22 years is finally complete.

Waves of cold surrounded him, Jiang Yu felt the cold, slowly shrunk his body into a ball, and no longer felt sleepy.

This home is not like the home in Baihua Hutong, where the moon outside the window can be seen through the cracks in the curtains. What he sees at this moment is hazy, as if he cannot see his future clearly.

When the summer vacation came, Hou Yi came back very early. When he couldn't find Jiang Yu, he called and ran over after asking for the address.

Xu Meiyin was not there when he came. Hou Yi entered the door and took a tour of the whole room. Seeing Jiang Yu returning to the room with his back turned to him, he followed, and after a few seconds, he saw Jiang Yu's appearance clearly.

He was momentarily speechless.

Obviously it was Jiang Yu who opened the door for him, but Jiang Yu didn't seem to notice that there was another person in the room.

He sat in front of the desk, took out a pack of cigarettes, lit the fire skillfully, and quietly looked at the guitar on the window sill, one cigarette went out and another was fired.

Hou Yi couldn't stand it anymore, reached out to grab it and stomped it out, looked at him, and said in a deep voice, "How long has it been, have you been like this?"

Jiang Yu moved his fingers and reached out to get the cigarette case, but Hou Yi preempted him.

"Jiang Yu, take a good look at yourself, what have you become now." Hou Yi looked at him, frowning, his words were full of sullenness, he didn't know what to say, and it took him a long time to speak softly Said, "I knew this earlier...Even if the family disagreed, you shouldn't have separated from him, at least..."

Jiang Yu remained silent, took the cigarette case from him, lit one and took a puff, without saying a word.

Hou Yi watched him finish his cigarette and return to the bed to lie down, doing nothing but opening his eyes and not knowing what he was thinking.Hou Yi took a deep breath and said after a long time, "...you are sick."

Jiang Yu looked at him with something inexplicable in his eyes.

"I don't want to tell you, I'm afraid you will feel uncomfortable, but you two are like this, I'm really... I'm caught in the middle, what should I do..."

Jiang Yu heard the most crucial sentence, sat up straight and stared at him: "What?"

Hou Yi looked at him for a while: "Do you know why Zi Luo didn't go on tour with him?"

Jiang Yu stopped breathing and looked at him tightly with his fingers.

"Because he...can't play the piano anymore." Hou Yi said, "Since he separated from you, he can't play the piano anymore."

Jiang Yu's brain was buzzing, as if he heard something unreasonable: "...how is it possible?"

"That piano was given by you, I went to see him before I came back." Hou Yi looked at him and said, "His teacher is here, I heard."

Seeing that he was in a trance, Hou sighed and said, "But don't worry, he will get better, and I believe you will too."

Jiang Yu looked at him blankly.

"You're sick!" Hou felt angry when he saw his appearance, and didn't understand why he didn't notice when he became like this, "You listen to me, you can either run to him now, or see a doctor! "

"……Do not."

Jiang Yu seemed to have just woken up from one nightmare and fell into the next one instantly. Now, he shrank into a ball like waking up from a nightmare every night, without looking up at anyone, just muttering this word.

Before Hou Yi had time to say more, Xu Meiyin had already returned.

Xu Meiyin didn't respond to his auntie hello, she looked over him coldly to Jiang Yu who was huddled in a corner, and then gave him a wary look, and returned to the room after a few minutes.

The moment he saw Xu Meiyin, Hou Yi already knew why Jiang Yu became like this.

When school started again, they all became seniors. One day, Hou Yi sent a message saying that Zi Luo had started playing the piano again.

Jiang Yu closed his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief.

Time flies, but his condition is getting worse and worse.

He couldn't eat anything, like a walking dead, and Xu Meiyin's temper became more and more irritable, and he would throw things around if he didn't respond to his anger, but Jiang Yu was already used to it.

When he was packing up his things, Xu Meiyin stared at him, and finally rushed over and slapped him, crying and saying, I can't see his face, let him return her Jiang Lai to him.

It would be nice if it didn't show up.

It would be nice if he never came to this world.

This kind of thinking is gradually ingrained, and one day it will explode.

When Jiang Yu returned home, he continued to cook for Xu Meiyin. When he entered the door, he heard a conversation. There was a strange face sitting in the living room, and Xu Meiyin was sitting beside him.

He didn't recognize him, but the woman seemed to recognize him, and said with a smile: "Xiao Yu is back."

Jiang Yu ignored him and turned back to the room. The woman glanced at him from behind.

After walking a few steps, he suddenly heard a familiar tone, deep, like the sound of a guitar, coming from his room.

The door of the room was not closed, Jiang Yu rushed over and saw a child holding the guitar and strumming the strings vigorously, one after another, as if it would break in the next second.

"Don't touch it!" He glared at her and yelled, "Who told you to touch it recklessly, put it down!"

The girl was having fun playing, and was startled by the sound, with a small iron piece in her hand pressing the strings, Jiang Yu's heartbeat stopped following her movements, and the girl burst into tears when she saw his fierce appearance.

Jiang Yu watched the guitar hit the ground and a string broke.

"What's the matter? What's the matter?" The girl's mother hurried over, and probably understood what was going on. Seeing her daughter crying so hard, she just vented out together with her dissatisfaction just now. The guitar? If the wire is broken, you can’t change it? She’s still a child, why are you yelling at her? Jiang Yu, I’m not talking about you, you were ignorant when you were young, why are you still like this after all these years?”

Jiang Yu held the guitar in his arms and checked it. Luckily, there was no scratches. He just needed to change the strings. Even so, he was still very distressed, and didn't pay attention to how ugly the woman's words were.

The woman left with the child, Xu Meiyin looked at him gloomyly outside the door for a while, she clenched her fists and rushed over, raised the guitar high, and threw it heavily to the ground.

Jiang Yu didn't have time to react, and watched the guitar fall to the ground again.

Xu Meiyin pointed at him: "You think I don't know what you're thinking, do you! Where did this guitar come from? You're still thinking about those things! Aren't you sick?!"

Jiang Yu kept staring at the guitar with a broken corner as if he couldn't hear it. It was just a little bit broken, and it would definitely be usable after repairing it. He just wanted to go forward, but Xu Meiyin didn't give him a chance to pick it up, and took it to the living room. He raised the stick, raised his hand and smashed it down again and again.

Jiang Yu yelled from the bottom of his heart: "Don't—"

torn apart.

No amount of repair can restore it.

"I'll see when you can get rid of this problem! You don't think it's embarrassing, but I'm still ashamed. I raised you for so many years, but you turned out to be a pervert!" Xu Meiyin pointed at him, her eyes were red, "You're just a Broom star! Why can't you die when so many people die on the street every day!"

"Jiang Yu, one of the things I regret the most in my life is letting you into my house—"

"Then you shouldn't have left me in the first place!" Jiang Yu raised his head abruptly, different from the previous silence, his state seemed to have collapsed with a broken guitar, he looked at her tremblingly, and yelled , "Did I let you keep me?! Did I let you keep me? I didn't know anything at that time, why didn't you throw me away?!"

Xu Meiyin didn't expect him to yell out such a sentence suddenly, her face turned pale and she froze there.

"Why do you want me to stay? Why didn't you treat me well? Why did you give birth to me! Why don't you want me! Why don't you want me!" He yelled like he lost his mind, his voice was hoarse, crazy He smashed all the things on the table on the ground, again and again, "I didn't know anything at the time, but you all know, why did you keep me?! Just throw me away and let the wild dogs kill me." Already! What do I know, I don’t know pain, I don’t know anything!!!”

"Why did you give birth to me, why did you abandon me, why did you want to find me back after disappearing for so many years! Jiang Lai, my brother——" Jiang Yu looked at Xu Meiyin, "Is that what I thought? ?! Why did you save me? The damned person is me, not him! Why did you save me? Why... why did it become like this? Why did it become like this?!"

There was a short silence, his voice changed from hysterical to hoarse and painful whimpering: "...I just want to keep one person, why can't I?"

It's cold and windy outside, and it's winter again in a blink of an eye.

Jiang Yu rushed out the door and disappeared without a trace. No one knew where he went.

Meng Lu was in a hurry in the living room: "Let's go out and look for it, I'm very worried..."

"Let him go! Don't come back!"

"Don't be angry!" Meng Lu said, "How can I not understand you? You are the one who doesn't want him to go the last time, so don't be angry at this time!"

Meng Chunxin looked worried, turned and went out the door.Xu Meiyin sat there without moving, and Meng Lu persuaded again: "I have already seen that Xiaoyu's state is not right, just now she made such a fuss... I am really afraid that something will happen to him!"

The anger was relieved by these words, and Xu Meiyin began to feel afraid when she thought of Jiang Yu's collapse just now.She stood up quite unnaturally, still saying: "What are you looking for, he will definitely come back..."

However, nothing was achieved.

Zhangcheng is said to be a small city, but looking for a person is purely looking for a needle in a haystack.

Xu Meiyin went to the house in Baihua Hutong, asked Xie Xiaoan, and asked other people, but no one had seen Jiang Yu.

Meng Lu suddenly thought of a possibility: "Could it be..."

"Impossible!" Knowing what she meant, Xu Meiyin changed her expression, "Absolutely impossible!"

It was getting dark, and Meng Chunxin was in a hurry. She was not in good health and couldn't keep running. She glanced at Xu Meiyin and Meng Lu, turned around and returned the same way.

She asked Xie Xiaoan for Zi Luo's phone number.

No one picked up the first time, and it was picked up when I called the second time. It was very quiet and there was no sound.

"...That, it's Ziluo, I'm Meng Chunxin."

Zi Luo paused for a few seconds before making a sound: "What's the matter?"

Meng Chunxin held the phone tightly and asked, "Have you seen brother Jiang Yu?"

Zi Luo paused longer this time, Meng Chunxin couldn't wait: "Brother Jiang Yu is gone, we haven't found it after searching for a long time, I just want to ask if he has..."

"No." Zi Luo interrupted her, "When did it happen?"

Meng Chunxin didn't dare to hesitate: "At noon. He had a quarrel with Aunt Xu and hasn't come back yet. We are all worried about him. Did he go to you?"

Zi Luo didn't answer her, and said in a deep voice, "I see."

The phone hangs up.

……

Every winter people say that this winter is the coldest.

There was no snow in the sky, but the wind was blowing violently like a knife, making it difficult for people on the street to walk, not to mention how biting the wind by the lake was.

Jiang Yu could no longer feel any warmth.

His pupils reflected a pitch-black coldness, watching the ripples on the lake surface with the wind, and using the dim light, he could clearly see the warning sign on the side.

He closed his eyes, recalling the nightmare he had had countless times.

In winter, Jianglai, Tianan Lake.

There are many things in life that I avoid just to deceive myself. I don’t look at it or think about it. I think I can avoid it, but I can’t stop these emotions from permeating my heart, like blood turning into sulfuric acid, and what I see in the end is a heart that has long been corroded.No one will be so lucky, painful things can be forgotten for a lifetime, and he will have to face them after all.Since what is lost can't come back, let it all end.

Just stop everything.

There was no one around at night, only the howling wind accompanied him. Jiang Yu opened his eyes and walked forward step by step, stopping at the place where he fell when he was five years old.

……so tired.

The stolen 20 years of time are really exhausting.

The night was dark, there was no moonlight, the wind was raging, and the street lamps suddenly dimmed.

There was a soft sound of "Plop", and the lake was turbulent, and it was not calm for a long time.

The lake water was icy cold, gusts of wind whizzed past, like scenes in dreams again and again, he closed his eyes and let his body fall, no longer struggling like in the dream, no longer praying for someone to save him, he Like falling into a huge nightmare, this time he didn't want to wake up.

He prayed that his bones would sink to the bottom of the lake forever, that no one would find him.

Maybe the wind blows away the dark clouds, and the moon quietly emerges from the sky, casting a quiet snow-white on the ground.The moonlight quietly shines on the world, and the surrounding scenes and flashing figures are reflected on the lake again, like an unrealistic fantasy, unrealistic and out of reach.

The rope hanging from the bench swayed constantly in the strong wind, and the moonlight illuminated the two small words, peace.A piece of paper was pressed under the phone, and the handwriting was clearly visible under the moonlight.

……

I pay it off all the time.

But there are two people I can never pay off.

Brother, Jiang Lai.

Lover... Zi Luo.