tired

I was eating in the dining hall at noon, when Bai Zijing suddenly appeared and sat across from me, and said with a smile, "Why are you alone?" I smiled at him, and answered irrelevantly, "Where's your friend?" "Shen Yuan?" I nodded, He said: "He'll be here soon, what's the matter?" As soon as I heard that guy was coming, I speeded up my meal and replied, "It's nothing, I see that you are always inseparable from him, but now I don't see him with me." With you together, I'm just curious." Just after I finished speaking, I saw Shen Yuan walking towards me not far ahead.Bai Zijing followed my gaze and waved to him when he saw Shen Yuan, "Xiao Yuan! Here!" I quickly took the last few mouthfuls of rice, stood up and said, "I've finished eating, I have to leave beforehand." Bye." Without waiting for Bai Zijing to answer, I picked up the plate and turned to leave.

"Let's go now?" I heard him say from behind, I ignored him and pretended not to hear.In fact, I want to chat with him a few more words. I don’t have many friends. Bai Zijing is one. He and I are classmates in high school. He has a good personality and gets along well in high school. There is a feeling of finding an organization, and I feel very cordial. Naturally, I regard him as a friend, and I am unilateral.

Although I wanted to chat with him a few more words, but when I saw Shen Yuan approaching, I immediately persuaded him to leave.

What?You ask me why?In fact, it's nothing, just too lazy to deal with him.Shen Yuan seems to hate me very much, I can see it from his eyes, and his eccentric way of speaking, every time I have a chat with Bai Zijing, he will taunt from time to time, or disdainfully With a snort, disgust was written all over his face, and he didn't even try to hide it.

Although I don't care much about other people's eyes and opinions, but if I want to get along with people who hate me, I should forget it. If I hate him, I should hate myself. Can't I hide if I can't be provoked?

Then I thought about the reason carefully. He probably looked down on me, and thought that I might approach Bai Zijing for money. After all, rich and handsome young masters like them don’t like to associate with poor and short people like me. Think I want their money, or want to get along with them and squeeze into the upper class.Although my family is not poor and has a little money, he may not know it, but it is still completely incomparable with them. Besides, I usually look poor, and I only have two or three sets of clothes after changing. Jeans and white shirt, it’s not that I don’t have other clothes to wear, it’s just that I’m lazy and don’t like to look through clothes and don’t like to dress up. Every time I wear clothes, I take the one that is stacked on top of the closet, and dry yesterday’s clothes. Get up and wear it tomorrow, and today’s clothes should be worn the day after tomorrow after washing, haha, so I only wear those few clothes.I'm very casual, I don't like to spend money, and I don't pay much attention to other things except cleanliness. When I buy things, I always buy the cheapest ones.

In addition, I have worked several jobs, and I can meet Shen Yuan every time. I meet him when I work in a coffee shop to buy coffee, I meet him when I work in a convenience store to buy cigarettes, and I meet him when I work in a bar to drink. I also met him passing by while distributing leaflets. I gave the impression that I was short of money. Even I felt so, no wonder others thought so.

What?You ask me why I have so many jobs since I am not short of money?

Oh, it’s really nothing, I just don’t want to let myself be idle, I’ll start thinking wildly when I’m free, for example, now, there’s still an hour before part-time work, all my roommates have gone out and I’m the only one left in the dormitory, I’m lying on the bed, The homework is also done, and I start thinking about it when I have nothing to do.

Md, living is really boring. I really want to die soon, but I dare not commit suicide. I can only pray that time will pass faster, and faster. It is best to blink ten years and then blink 20 years, and then It's better to be old and dead.I really don’t know what the meaning of life is. Although I am only 22, I have already lived to be 70 or [-] years old. I may not even be as good as an old man. I have no enthusiasm for life, such things as hard work and struggle, sorry, nonexistent.I don’t know when I became hopeless, perhaps because of the countless domestic violence, my hope for life was wiped out bit by bit, and all my feelings were spent in that twisted family Exhausted.

I remember one time when I came home from high school, there was blood all over the floor, my mother was lying in a pool of blood, and my father was sitting on the sofa. That kind of scene was heartbreaking.I did it to my dad, I wanted to kill him, I became hysterical, I screamed, I cursed, I did it, after I took my mom to the hospital I collapsed and cried in the emergency room, I felt like I was dying.This time it really should be over.

I suddenly didn't know what to do, I didn't want to talk about love, I didn't want to see friends, I was stuck in a quagmire, I couldn't get out, I couldn't get in.I persuaded my mother to divorce, she refused to leave life and death, really feel that living is very painful, but I dare not die, my mother has worked so hard, I don't want her to send a white-haired person to a black-haired person, besides, she loves her very much My family is the kind of love that is blind and selfless. She can sacrifice herself for this family, and she may go crazy when I die.

If my mother can still forgive my father, I feel that my sympathy for my mother has come to an end, all my negative energy is on the verge of collapse, and even my three views will be affected.All the paths were chosen by my mother herself. I tried to ask her to go another path, but she didn't go. Instead, she took me along her old path.

It was learned shortly after that day that they had made up again.I don't know why, but I feel that the world view has collapsed, and it seems that there is nothing that cannot be forgiven.If you don't even have the most basic bottom line, what's the point of living.Why can this be forgiven, I feel a little funny about my previous hysteria.Serve it all the fuck.

I am in great pain, but I can’t do anything about it. I want to get rid of my parents, but I can’t get rid of them. It costs me money to go to school, and money to live. I can’t even get rid of the economy.

I am also a bad person, and sometimes I even hope that they all die, but they are all dead, what should I do, will I not be able to live.I thought the age of twelve or thirteen was the most painful time for me, because at that time, I had no ability to persuade him or stop him. I thought I would be able to grow up, but now that I have grown up, I realized that It's not that I can't stop it, it's that my mother can't make up her mind, she pushed herself to a dead end step by step, and never let me go, I hate all of them.

I am very grateful to my parents for providing a good educational environment and paying for my education, but I still hate them.No matter how optimistic I am, if I can't jump out of this quagmire, there will always be a day when the last straw will crush me.This day is not far away, and I am not far from death.

Hey, I don’t want to anymore, I’d better go to the part-time job earlier and try to find something for myself to do, I’m really working hard to live.I try my best to find someone I like, and try to correct my three views.I still believe in life.