hot fire

fifteen

"How was last night?" Xi asked when they had dinner together at noon the next day.

"Are you going to have dinner with Jun Yoo?" Qi suddenly didn't know what Xi was asking.

"Otherwise? Is there something else that I don't know about?" Xi didn't raise her head and concentrated on picking the eggplant in the lunch box.

"It's okay to eat with Jun Yoo, anyway, she told me to be obedient and not run around..." Qi directly told Xi "conclusion".

"Then you have to be obedient." Xi said, throwing a piece of eggplant into Qi's bowl.

"Well...Xi, I met Xiao Rong last night." Qi said looking at the eggplant Xi threw.

Xi's chopsticks paused in mid-air for a few seconds.

"Yeah." In the end, Xi only nodded to show that he understood.

"Xi... Aren't you curious about what she told me?" For the first time, Qi plucked up the courage to ask Xi.

"Kitten," Xi looked up at Qi, "I believe in you," she said.

"What do you believe in me? Xi, can you tell me what you are thinking..." Qi said, meeting Xi's eyes.

"I believe you know what to do, what to choose, what to believe...Little cat, I will not ask you anything..." At the end, Xi smiled, a helpless smile.

"Why do you always feel that you are not qualified?" Qi interrupted Xi.

Xi looked at Qi and saw Qi's hurt eyes.

"Kitten..." Xi reached out and took Qi's hand.

"Xi, if you want to escape, I am willing to accompany you to the ends of the earth, but you have to let me know that you want me to accompany you! Otherwise, in the end, I will not even be sure of my own existence!" Qi exhausted I tried my best to maintain my calmness, but in the end, tears still fell down.

"Little cat... I'm sorry, don't cry, okay?" Xi frantically took out a tissue from her bag and wiped away the tears from Qi's face.

Xi was shocked by Qi's tears, she didn't know that she gave Qi such an uneasy feeling...

I thought that what I gave her was freedom, but I didn't expect that the "freedom" I thought made her doubt her own value...but...

"Xi, I know that the past between you and Xiaorong made you afraid of many things, and you don't want to believe in promises and feelings anymore...you don't have to believe in those things, but can you, just like what you said, please believe me... "As if going all out, Qi looked at Xi and said.

"Little cat..." Facing Qi's firm expression, Xi flinched again.

"Xi, I said when you took me back to England to celebrate the New Year, no matter what happens, I will be with you, and now I will be with you until the day you want me to leave." Qi chose to ignore Xi's retreat.

"En." Xi nodded, thanking Qi again in her heart for not forcing her to face up to the fortitude she had always been afraid of.

"Let's have dinner, I'm going to take care of you in the afternoon." Once again, Qi took the initiative to resolve the awkward atmosphere.

"Well, have dinner together after get off work?" Xi asked.

"Okay, let's meet in the car." Qi said.

The two finished their lunch as usual, returned to their respective jobs, and continued their work in the afternoon.

Xi did not have an outpatient clinic in the afternoon, and only arranged routine rounds.

"Xi," just stepped into the psychiatric ward, Xiaorong's voice came from behind, Xi turned around, "Are you and Kaiqi okay?" Xiaorong looked at her and asked.

"What's wrong?" Xi asked alertly.

"It's nothing, I just saw you guys having lunch on the rooftop at noon, she seems to be crying?" Xiaorong said, and the two walked side by side.

The rooftop, where they used to have lunch together at noon every day many years ago.Because it is in a sparsely populated area, and most of the people who will come and go there are busy medical staff, not many people will go there. Xi also knows this, so she made an appointment with Qi to have lunch there.

Xiaorong will go, it is definitely not by accident.

Xi didn't reply, nor did she stop.

"You don't want to tell me, do you?" Facing Xi's silence, Xiao Rong asked again.

"I want to do a round of the ward first." After Xi finished speaking, she turned and walked into the ward closest to her.

Also, not surprisingly, when Xi came out of the ward, Xiao Rong was still waiting for her.

"Let's go, I'll accompany you." Xiao Rong said, Xi shrugged and walked forward.

They were like this, the two of them walked through the psychiatric ward together, and no one said much along the way.

"No problem, I'm going back to the office first." After signing at the nursing station, Xi said to the nursing staff.

The two walked to the elevator, stretched out their hands at the same time, touched the two fingers on the button, and then retracted quickly.

"Xi, what should I do so that you are willing to talk to me again?" Xiaorong asked breaking the silence.

"What do you want to know?" Xi put her hands in her pockets and looked at Xiaorong.

"I just want to know if you are doing well... I want to care about you like friends... Are we still friends?" As if she didn't expect Xi to ask such a question, Xiao Rong couldn't answer right away.

Xi stared at Xiaorong for a long time, until the elevator came, and they both entered the elevator.

"Hey, let's go for a walk." Xi said, pressing the button to go to the first floor.

They left the hospital, walked side by side along the red brick road outside the hospital, and walked towards the park in a tacit understanding.

"Remember? We used to sneak out." It was still Xiao Rong who spoke first.

"Yeah, it's an excuse to buy coffee, drinks, and snacks." Xi said, with a smile on his face.

"All of a sudden, almost ten years..." Xiaorong said with a sigh.

"Well, yes... how everything started and ended doesn't seem to be that important anymore..." Xi said, looking up at the sky.

"Xi," Xiaorong stopped suddenly, Xi took two steps forward, then looked back at her, "Maybe you don't think it's necessary, you don't care about it long ago, but I still want to tell you seriously, I'm sorry, At that time, I destroyed your world selfishly and irresponsibly.”

Xi didn't speak, just nodded to show that she understood, and then continued to walk forward.

"Xi, can we still be friends?" Xiaorong asked again.

Xi still didn't answer, as if she was thinking about something, she didn't stop walking forward, Xiaorong could only quietly follow her.

"Where should I start?" After a while, Xi said, "After you left, my memory became very blurred, as if I was chaotically shuttling through the hospital ward. A full-time doctor who has just graduated always has a lot to adapt to. Yes... Then when I came back to my senses, everything was cold, as if it didn't matter anymore. It seemed to be living like a formality, trying to do the best of what I should do..."

"You've closed your heart again, haven't you?" Xiaorong asked in Xi's blank space.

"You know, a lot of times, your lukewarm, warm questions are actually quite harsh, and you care as if nothing happened, as if everything has nothing to do with you, which is really uncomfortable...Yeah, I put my heart on it Locked up, so what? Are you asking this because you care? To blame? Or do you think I should open up like you to face everything? Is your heart really open? A way to escape the shadow deep in your heart?" Xi looked straight into Xiaorong's eyes, as if trying to see through her.

Faced with Xi's direct and merciless question, Xiao Rong just lowered her head and did not answer.

"After so many years, you are still the same as before, wearing the mask of "empathy", did you forget how to take it off? Or can't take it off, it has become a habit? I remember I said at the time, many times, I feel that I You are really falling in love with a "psychologist". When discussing our various affairs, you are still a "psychologist" rather than a "lover"; your calmness and objectivity are not true at all... Maybe it hurts me the most , even when you broke up, you seemed to be dealing with a "case" rather than your own business." Although Xi's voice was flat, Xiaorong knew that there was a slight anger in Xi's words.

"I'm sorry..." It seemed that she could only apologize.

"Stop saying I'm sorry, you've said sorry many times, but what exactly are you sorry for? Sorry hurt me, so do you know what hurt me? It's not the first time I said this, but, Have you listened? You are a very good "psychologist", I can't deny it. But, I am already a psychiatrist, why do I need a psychologist to empathize with me all the time, reminding me that those who are already My major should be kept in the office. Friends, most of the time, what I need to give is "I support you", or "I am on the same side with you", this kind of "loyalty" that is useless to put it bluntly! Not to mention...and this, it seems that you don't quite understand it." Xi's words left Xiao Rong speechless.

"Are you surprised?" Looking at Xiaorong, Xi asked, "You always feel that you have to face everything rationally and look at everything objectively, as if you have no emotions at all... so you , How is it different from me who closed my heart? In comparison, maybe I am much more frank, at least I give people the feeling that it is the real situation in my heart, even if it is cold and difficult to get close to. "

"Actually, you," Xi paused, "you are always lonely, because you don't really let people into your heart and share all your feelings and thoughts." Finally she said this.

"We are all the same..." Xiao Rong said with a helpless smile.

"No, actually we are not the same at all." Xi retorted Xiao Rong's words.

Xiao Rong stared at Xi with wide eyes, surprised by Xi's reaction in every possible way.

"I once let you into my heart, but you didn't," Xi said with a hint of accusation.

"I have." Xiaorong denied.

"If you have, you shouldn't just tell me your decision, at least before you make it a decision." Xi volunteered to bring up their separation at the time.

"Xi, haven't we discussed this matter before? Why are we bringing it up again now? Even if we discuss it, it won't change anything. After all, I have to get married because of family pressure. I don't have the courage to give up everything like you...you and I love each other I know very well that if we discussed this matter at that time, there would only be more conflicts and frictions, so why bother?"

Xi shrugged, looking indifferent, and didn't intend to say anything more.

"Xi, please don't do this again, what on earth are you thinking?" Xiao Rong said as if begging.

"You never did that before, how can you be so sure about the result?" Xi raised her eyebrows, looked at Xiaorong and continued, "It's still in your heart, I will really hang myself crying, making trouble and hanging myself in order to keep you without dignity? Once again , as I just said, you treat our relationship as a "case", as if it has nothing to do with you."

"How do you know I'm not sad and I don't care? You don't know how much I cried in front of Oscar when I made this decision." Xiao Rong seemed to be defending herself.

"So, I, who have been with you for almost two years, can't compare to a boy I've known for two weeks." Xi didn't use interrogative sentences, but affirmative sentences.

"So you just want to prove your "uniqueness" in my heart? Hasn't this issue been mentioned before? Why do we keep discussing those things that have been mentioned long ago?" Xiaorong seemed a little dissatisfied.

"Shouldn't my identity at that time be entitled to 'uniqueness'? Also, we have never 'discussed' these things before, you just 'said' them, that's all." Facing Xiao Rong's slight excitement, Xi remained the same. calm.

"Because you didn't say anything at the time!"

"What do you want me to say? Have you ever thought that you just walked away like this, and even shook off my hand that was trying to grab you... Duan Xiaorong, how can you ask a person whose world is being destroyed by you , use reason to talk to you? I knew that no matter what I said at that time, it would hurt people, so I kept silent... I am not you, I can’t treat feelings so roughly, stop as soon as I say, it’s like pulling the plug directly, I don't care about anything else, I can't do it. I can't even put myself in the relationship again like you...God knows if I will prove it again. It turns out that two years are so light in a person's heart, and they can be in love again. In two or three weeks, I completely forgot about it and threw myself into another person's arms." A sarcastic expression appeared on Xi's face.

"You...who told you?" Xiaorong seemed a little embarrassed.

"It doesn't matter who it is, it's been so long, anyway, you're with him after all, aren't you? It's also since then that I've gradually seen those issues that I couldn't see clearly before... To be honest, I didn't Waiting for you, it’s not that I don’t expect you to come back, it’s just that there is a time limit for everything, after that time, no matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to go back, and it will only drift away.” The dialogue full of disputes, In the end, Xi returned everything to peace.

"Then why, you still keep our room?" Xiaorong asked.

"Because I don't want to be the one who broke the promise." Xi said looking at Xiao Rong.

"Xi..." Xiaorong looked at Xi hesitantly.

"But, I only promise you 'that room'." Xi didn't let Xiaorong continue talking.

"Maybe, for me now, that's enough..." Xiaorong said with gratitude.

Xi shrugged again and started walking towards the hospital.

"Xi, how are you now?" Xiaorong asked this question again, a question that Xi hadn't answered so far.

"When did it start? Probably after Qi appeared..." Xi's expression relaxed, "Life is not boring at the beginning, it is fun, what can I look forward to...but I am actually a bad person! Avoiding what should be Facing, our relationship, I just want to let myself enjoy an intimate relationship without being responsible... maybe, it can’t even be called a relationship!” Xi said in a self-joking tone.

"Is it because of me that you don't want to believe in love anymore?" Xiaorong asked.

Xi stopped and looked at Xiaorong, "Yes." She said.

After finishing speaking, without waiting for Xiaorong to react, Xi took another step and continued to move forward.

"I avoid her fiery eyes like yours, because it reminds me of your coldness when you leave; I always escape her seriousness when she wants to say something, because I will see your head when you leave at the end I don’t want to reply; I don’t want to hear her say anything about promises, because your phrase “If I can’t do it, I won’t promise” will appear repeatedly in my mind... The more she loves me, the more I want to escape, I can't bear the disintegration again, simply being negative, not letting any words about love and affection appear, like an ostrich burying its head in the ground, deluding myself that it doesn't exist if I don't face it, but..." At this point , Xi suddenly stopped.

There is an unprecedented tenderness in the eyes looking up at the sky.

"But what?" Xiaorong asked.

"I fell in love with her." Xi said with a smile, "but I was too timid to tell her, I was afraid that such a relationship would slowly disappear after admitting it...so I kept it selfish in my heart...I don't want to Let what happened to us happen again." Xi still smiled, but the smile was tinged with a trace of despair.

"But you told me, why?" Xiaorong didn't understand.

"Why did you come back?" Xi did not answer her question, but asked another question.

"I just told Kaiqi yesterday that your goodness is the more you can understand the longer you are apart. I will come back to see if you are good. Maybe, I still secretly hope that your goodness has not been owned by anyone... ...Even if we know, it’s impossible for us.” Xiaorong said at the end, avoiding Xi’s eyes.

"That's why, I'll tell you the reason." Xi still looked at Xiaorong.

"But Xi, it's useless for you to tell me. What you should really say is Kaiqi! What happened to us will not happen again, because she is braver than me... Xi, you did not hesitate to trigger a family revolution for me, and you were even expelled from the house ...Why don't you dare tell Kaiqi that you're killing her? Don't you believe her?"

Xi was stunned. From noon to now, the topic of her trusting Qi has appeared three times... Do I really believe Qi?

"Xi," Xiao Rong pulled Xi's shoulders and looked at Xi face to face, "I gave up on you, I threw myself into hell, and when I really understand this, you are already in heaven..."

"What?" Xi suddenly didn't understand.

"This is what I read in a book. The moment I saw it, I thought of you... When we broke up, you told me that if destroying your world would make me happy, you would let me go... At that time, I , in order to ask you to let go, cruelly ignore your pain and sadness, and turn a blind eye to your helplessness when you are the most vulnerable, I thought that this would make our pain end sooner, and then continue to have the possibility of happiness in the future... It wasn't until many years later, after experiencing several relationships, that I realized that the moment I gave up on you, I also left the person who understood and tolerated me the most." Xiaorong's words revealed her remorse.

"What does this have to do with that sentence?" Xi still didn't understand.

"Do you know how painful it is to not be understood and tolerated in a relationship? In front of the other person you love, you can't be yourself without scruples. Sometimes, it is more tiring than getting along with anyone. Remember we always That is to say, it is very comfortable to be with the other party, and you don’t need to be armed and defensive, because you know that no matter what you do, the other party can accept, even tolerate... That’s why, I finally reluctantly let you go... You can say, I I squandered your tolerance...and you still chose to accept it in the end...After that, I never experienced that kind of freedom again, and then I realized how precious the love you gave me...That kind of remorse is indescribable "Finally, Xiaorong ended with a wry smile.

"Then why do you think I'm in heaven?" Xi looked at Xiaorong's smile, but still didn't understand that sentence.

"Because of Kaiqi. When I stepped into the house that day, I saw your interaction. Seriously, Xi, I am happy for you. I used to think that I would be the one who loves you the most, but when I saw Kaiqi looking at you The look in my eyes, and the conversation last night, I know she took my place... no, she surpassed me... I admit that in our relationship, I am the selfish, selfish side, I love you, but I What I love the most is not you, but myself, so when I realized that this relationship can't give me "what I want", I gave up, I pulled myself away... Finally, I left you... But Kay Qi, she holds you in the palm of her hand and puts you first...Maybe, just like you did to me back then...Xi, you should know what kind of mood it is, and you should be able to understand her intentions...Xi, don't Let you become me in the end...Maybe you won't be as cruel as me, but if a person's contribution is like a stone thrown into a bottomless pit, after a long time, that kind of tranquility will make people give up because of despair..." Xiao Rong looked at Xi and said very seriously.

Xi stared blankly at Xiaorong, what Xiaorong said was something Xi never thought about.

Xi knows that Qi treats her better than anyone else; Xi also knows that Qi puts her before everyone else; Xi knows that Qi loves her even more, although she is always unwilling to admit and face it.

But Xi didn't know that what she gave Qi, what she thought was freedom, was actually a bottomless pit of despair.

"Xi," Xiaorong looked at Xi, and gently covered Xi's face with her hands, "You haven't thought about this, have you?"

Xi nodded blankly.

"You are always like this. You think you are not qualified to ask the other party to do something, or do you think you want to give the other party complete freedom?" Xiao Rong said as if seeing through Xi's thoughts.

Xi didn't answer, as if acquiescing to what Xiao Rong said.

"But, Xi, people are very strange. Too much freedom creates a greater sense of insecurity, and they begin to doubt the necessity of their own existence; proper self-will, on the contrary, is like a mark imprinted on the body, and they always feel that they are The weight in the other party's heart is a solid sense of security." Xiao Rong continued to finish speaking.

"Too much...freedom...?" Xi muttered to herself.

"Think about it slowly! It's time to go back!" After Xiaorong finished speaking, she smiled, turned around and walked towards the hospital, leaving Xi standing alone.

"Xiao Rong," Xi called after a few seconds looking at Xiao Rong's back, Xiao Rong turned her head with a smile, "Why did you come back?" Xi asked.

"Untie the knot, you're a deadheaded person who will let you go and start moving forward." After Xiao Rong finished speaking, she turned around and continued to move forward without waiting for Xi's reaction.

The moment Xiao Rong turned around, Xi saw the reflection of tears.

They walked back and forth like this, not long after, Xiaorong slowed down, Xi hesitated for a while, the tacit understanding from many years ago is still there now, she slowly walked in front of Xiaorong.

"Xi," Xiaorong gently pulled Xi's clothes from behind Xi, Xi stopped without looking back, "It's not that I never thought that one day your good things that used to belong to me will be owned by another person...but But I don't know, it turns out that I will still be in pain." Xiaorong leaned against Xi's back and said.

Xi just stood quietly.

"I admit, when I opened the door and saw you, I longed to hug you, and even hoped to have you again...but I saw Kaiqi, saw you...reason told me, this is the best In the end, you should be with someone who knows how to cherish you more than anyone else, but the feeling of heartache is stronger than when you left you... Xi, I am very bad. While I hope you are happy, I also secretly I hope you are still stubborn, as you said at the beginning, always leave a room for me... You reserved the room and left by yourself... I saw you and Kaiqi on the rooftop at noon, the expression on your face, I used to The most familiar, but it will never belong to me...Iloveyou, butyoudon'tbelongtome. Do you know? It took me so long to realize that no matter how far away you are, I am always looking for the same as you in the vast sea of ​​people. The person who can give me the same throbbing, but I can't find it... When I saw you again, I realized that I, like you, left myself at that point in time, just walking forward with my body, deceiving myself and others Live very real...Xi, I'm sorry." Xi knew that Xiao Rong was crying, but she still turned her back to Xiao Rong without saying a word, she was no longer the Xi who would gently comfort Xiao Rong, that was not what she wanted role played.

After a long time, Xi said, "You are much more real like this. In fact, what I care most about is not the matter of "you left me"; but, you have always avoided facing your own heart. Since you have admitted I have deceived myself and others, forget it, and forgive you!" She said, with a sense of relief in her words.

"Thank you." Xiaorong smiled through tears.

"Go forward, we all have to learn to face our true heart, maybe we will gradually find that it is not so difficult... who knows?" Xi shrugged and walked forward.

"Xi, thank you." Xiaorong said.

Xi didn't look back or stop, but walked straight forward, no matter whether Xiao Rong followed her or not, she knew where she should go and where she should stop.

The author has something to say: The serialization of "Yan Huo" has come to an end here, thank you for your support.