long regret

Kisses were replaced by hugs.

If that counts as a hug.

The sky in the north turned dark, like ink was splashed, I opened my eyes wide, and couldn't see his face in the darkness.

I can't escape such a hug.

He just spread his arms and let me lie on my pillow, with the other hand wrapped around my back, occasionally patting me like coaxing a child.

His breath fell on top of my head shallowly, neither hot nor cold.

At just the right distance, with the right temperature.

So is his whole being.

It took me a whole year to linger in this inexplicable emotion. I questioned, struggled, and got angry. Although I was only struggling secretly, I never let anyone see it.

Then I let go.

At that time, I thought I was relieved, and I accepted what he said before, because I didn't understand things in the officialdom very well.

I didn't understand until he died.

Because I thought that was something that didn't matter.

I never thought that he would take advantage of my ignorance to trick me into believing his excuses. I always thought that Chang Han and I were rare confidants in martial arts, so he and I should treat each other as good friends and good brothers .

I wouldn't do anything to trick him, and he shouldn't either.

It is even more impossible for him to do such a contemptuous thing.

In the years when I have been at a loss to ask whether it is abnormal to be married to him, life is no different from usual.

As usual, we make an appointment to discuss each other every once in a while.

In front of Tiance Mansion, Shangling Garden, Ziwei Mountain, and Martial Arts Field, we almost walked all over Tiance.

In the pleasant atmosphere after the discussion, he took me to the ranch to see the horses, and also took me to ride the falcon.

Year after year.

The pear blossoms on Beiman Mountain bloomed three times.

Looking back now, it was probably the best day of my life.

In the north, like winter snow, when the cold goes deep into the bone marrow, the pear blossoms and peach blossoms all over the mountain tremble and open in the cold wind.

The thin petals seem to be proud, blooming and exuding a beautiful fragrance.

There is a kind of persistence in it that is similar to being desperate.

Under the white flower trees all over the mountain, he was holding a diaper, and some petals floated down and landed on his shoulders.

The sun was shining brightly then, and I remember his smile looking back at me.

As clear as the sky.

Later, I saw a small tablet with his name engraved in Lingyan Pavilion, standing silently in front of many soldiers, next to General Yang.

When the wind blew in, it was immediately covered with a thin layer of dust.

I thought of his smile, and suddenly understood what kind of mood I was pampering him in the day after day of silence.

What was indulged was his carefulness and unwillingness to tell me his liking.

What was indulged was also my belated epiphany.