Greedy.

However, the fire of karma is never endless, and once you step into it, there is no hope of escaping.

As soon as you think about it, the fire of karma is blazing...to pay his old debts, and to be a beast. *

Floating darkness.Even the air is colloidal.

It took you a while to realize you could move.Then you realize that you are holding something in your hand, slender, hard, and slightly cool.

You bow your head dumbly.Still can't see anything, but you feel an uneven seam, and with a little force, something slides upward with a crisp sound.

a pen.

Your mind goes blank.Fumbling forward left with your left hand, you come across a smooth bump.

You press it.

The lights are on.

Joe lies lightly in front of your eyes.His brows were also slightly frowned in his sleep, it must have been a bad dream.You glanced past.A striped piece of paper the size of a palm is spread across your lap.

You know what this is for.You used this piece of paper to fold an origami crane, but you didn't send it out. The origami crane was stained with blood and withered in a silent autumn.

You pick up the pen and write stroke by stroke: You will receive the retribution yourself.

The last stroke was too forceful, and the pen and ink smeared across the back of the paper, leaving a trace that stopped abruptly.You drop your pen.

Even after hundreds of kalpas, the work will not perish.When fate meets, the retribution is also self-accepted. *

You covered your face and smiled softly.

read files.How did you forget this.How can you have the right to commit suicide, you are just a clown for entertainment.Since the audience didn't see enough, the clown has no reason to step down.The pain has just begun, and the fun has just begun.It was Qiao Qing who was so desperate that you accidentally took it seriously.

Not self-sufficient.

You let yourself lose a little water, as if a hole was cut in your heart, all love and warmth poured out of it, and there was no trace, only the wound was soaked and turned white.

Before your palms are dry, someone grabs your wrist.Not tight, but steady, slightly warm.You let go.

Joe watched you quietly.He slept very lightly, presumably he was woken up by you.

Then he reached out and wiped away your tears with his fingertips. "Stop crying." He said, "I don't blame you, just go if you want."

You stare back in silence.After a while, you nodded without warning and said, "OK."

You really got up and left without hesitation.The hem of the clothes swayed slightly in the air.You know it's meaningless, at most it's going back to the original point after the pain.

But failure is no reason to stop fighting, and you can be surprisingly stubborn in this regard.Perhaps death is now also like a ridiculous buffoon, and courage is no longer needed.

Something always goes bad.Just like this time, you don't bother to fold paper cranes anymore.That would be silly.

The knife in the bathroom gleamed like it had never been stained with blood.Although in theory, it really doesn't.

"Is there anything else you want to say?" You said, "It doesn't matter if you don't."

There is always a next time.

Qiao Qing's lips were tightly pursed, bloodless.He looked down at the knife and was silent for a while: "Are you in a hurry?"

You smile a bit.

"I can't wait," you say.

His face was even whiter.

That sentence hurt him, you think.You didn't intend to do it, but you couldn't help it.

You didn't explain, you raised your hand at him as a gesture.

"Zhou Huai." He said hastily, "...Zhou Huai."

You waited for him to continue, but he fell silent as if he had nothing to say.Suddenly you ask, "What does 'won't say goodbye' mean?"

Qiao Qing: "... what?"

"You just said 'won't say goodbye' in your dream." You said, "Do you hate me?"

But he just said "I don't blame you", and now he has been silent, and he doesn't seem to mean to say goodbye.

"No." Qiao said softly, "It's a dying struggle."

"...I don't want this ending." He seemed to want to explain, Fang started and then stopped, "It's just not reconciled, it doesn't matter."

"Oh." You said, thinking for a while, "Then I'm leaving."

His eyes were not red this time, and the whites of his eyes were lined with brown irises, reflecting a round of light inside, which still looked good.You laugh.You think, even at this point, you still like his eyes.

This is enough.

You align the tip of the knife in place, keep your brows still, and push in.Brief pain.

This time you heard what Qiao Qing was saying.

He said, "I love you."

You frowned, trying to say something, but it hurt too much to speak.You had no choice but to smile—maybe you didn't smile, lowered your eyes, and thought: No way.

It's a pity that this meaning was not conveyed, because Qiao Qing was still muttering "I love you".

Although soon lost.

Finally in silence.

As the saying goes, once you are born and you are familiar again, this time you will not be dazed, surprised, or even resentful.You didn't turn on the light.

You wait in silence in the dark.Wait until Qiao lightly wakes up.The promise you made two reincarnations ago, promised him to wake up before leaving.You don't quite know how time counts for Qiao Qing, but you don't want him to wake up and face the empty room.

Confronted with a cold and broken lie.

You have no idea what to do with him.He knew nothing, but was so sincere, like a little ant trying to lift a crumb of pastry, and a little rain can kill it without knowing why.

But you were not born to be an ignorant toddler with a water gun.You can easily hurt him, and at the same time, you love him.

You heard Qiao lightly move, and the clothes and quilt rubbed against each other, rustling.Your fingertips curled up subconsciously, the same as every time you grab his palm.

He woke up.

You didn't reach out any further.You probably know the style this time.The first time is to say goodbye, the second time is to vent anger, and the third time is to simplify.

Emotions are also time-sensitive, which is something you understand from the beginning.

Longer than you fell in love with him.

You watched the turbulent waves in his eyes gradually subside and become a gray sea.It is a very vast, very quiet sea, slowly undulating under the moonlight.

You said: "Let's go."

Such an impatient announcement made his eyes dim again.But Qiao Qing just kept silent, got up and followed.

This time, after being silent, he asked, "Why do you have to leave?", looking a little dazed.Presumably he also noticed your sudden indifference.

You thought for a moment: "Maybe it's because I'm that kind of person."

The sword goes slanted and never looks back.

"I'm sorry," you smiled, "bye."

Always after.The stereotyped sorry, you went from apologetic to numb.

Every time, it is a futile attempt.

Like a black and white silent film that got stuck.You see yourself lip-syncing in vain, but hear nothing.

Only Qiao Qing's pain was genuine, as clear as yesterday.He is like a distorting mirror, always brand new, only reflecting your ridiculously distorted side face.

Every detail is different, only one thing is the same.Qiao Qing always said "I love you" when your consciousness was hazy.In a way, it's the same as your obsession with saying "I'm sorry."

It all seemed a little funny.

Then finally once in a while, you've had enough.You don't want to wait for him to wake up.You're so bored with this third-rate play that you can't do it anymore.

Although you promised him... but who knows if he will wake up.

You looked at his profile and said silently: "I'm sorry." You have always been a deserter full of lies, you should all get used to it.

Then you calmly end another cycle.

Sometimes you think it's ridiculous to flutter like this over and over again.The way the hamster protested against the roller turned out to be to bump into the cage.You can't die if you hit it.

But you really don't want to live anymore.

Hitting the south wall over and over like this, the south wall shows no sign of collapse, you just feel that you are getting more crazy.A thought came to the door silently.

You think, you have died many times, but there is no one in this reincarnation.

. . . There is probably no thought more terrifying than this.You collapse on the spot.You can't take this.

Qiao Qing is the last piece of pure land in your devastated world, and the only thing worthy of nostalgia in your worthless life.Why would you want to hurt him?

Yes, he might be the mastermind, he might have something to do with the cycle, but...

You hold your head.You make yourself sick.The darkness around you seems to suddenly come alive, squeezing you into a small ball, and the chattering and confused voices are pouring into your ears lightly, each voice is different, and if you listen carefully, it is the same content——no try it?Try it, maybe...

"Go—!" you yelled.

Joe woke up lightly.

You ended this cycle hastily.

But it doesn't really work.As soon as your consciousness condensed from nothingness, those voices lingered in your ears like a gangrene.

You woke up Qiao Qing trembling.For a moment, his eyes were full of expectation.When he saw your expression clearly, he frowned suddenly: "What's wrong?"

You are incoherent.Sometimes you say "I want to kill you", sometimes you say "I'm sorry", and very rarely, you say "help me".

You said: "Qiao Qing, help me."

Qiao silently hugged you.You were trembling all over, but his hand was still so powerful, with a weight of concentration, you gradually calmed down under his palm.

You hoarsely said: "What should I do? I don't want...I don't want to..."

He was silent for a while in embarrassment, and said, "You hate me that much?"

You are stunned.You want to shake your head wildly, want to question why he thinks this way, want to pour out your difficulties, and want to cry loudly.

You looked at him in disbelief and suddenly smiled.You say: "Yes."

Then you broke free from his arms resolutely and rushed into the bathroom.

There is the knife that ends it all.

You realize that you have no understanding, no liberation.

There will be none.

You looked at his sleeping face with nostalgia.The side of his face seemed to be covered with a layer of glaze in the dim light, his crow-feather eyes shook a shadow, small and harmless.

You stretched out your hand, as if you wanted to push his eyebrows away, but it was only hanging by a centimeter, without falling.

"It's good not to frown." You whispered, "Liar."

You thought about it, and then said, "But so am I. It's even."

You want to kiss him very much, but then he will wake up, so you have no choice but to look at his eyebrows, eyes, bridge of nose, and lips reluctantly. "I love you." You say.

Then you walk out of the room barefoot.You can't look at him anymore.When you look at him, love and hate boil at the same time.

After a while, you heard a panicked "Zhou Huai!" from the bedroom, and then some crashing sounds, and you thought of him throwing off the quilt and getting off the ground in a hurry.

It turns out that this is what he looked like.You sat on the sofa with your knees crossed and waited for him to come out.After about 30 seconds, he ran out.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw you.The red eyes were closed for a moment, and you watched him shed tears.

"I thought you... thought you... that knife was gone... I was afraid you had... not waited for me... It's okay... Fortunately you're still here..."

"Yeah." You said softly, "You came just in time."

The knife has been taken out by you, and it is placed on the table directly in front of you.

You rubbed the back of the knife, like a lover's caress: "Come and help me."

He looks at you in disbelief.The tears are not dry yet.

"You can do it." You encouraged him, "I'll help you align the position, you just need to push gently. It's just a moment."

"I can't!" He hysterically, "I can't do this, I can't! How can you be so cruel?"

"Help me." You coaxed, "Help me."

Then there was a long confrontation.You watch him tear up.

This is the only time he will cry in front of you.You think you'll always remember it.

Then he gave in.He always does.

His hands were trembling, so it hurt extraordinarily.

You held his hand, walked the last way inside, and smiled: "This is even."

This is the most painful time.

You locked yourself in your room for a day.

You made up the last dragon.

Then you pick up the knife.

The author has something to say:

*"Ananda, all of them are dried up with the fire of karma to pay their old debts, and they are treated like animals." - "Surangama Sutra"

"As soon as you think about it, the fire of karma is burning. It is not someone who burns you, but you who burnt yourself." —— "Praise of Water and Land Dharma, The Second Eight, All Hells", Su Shi

*"Even after hundreds of kalpas, the work done will not perish. When the karma meets, the retribution will be repaid." - "Great Treasure Accumulation Sutra"

TBCX2

The reading order is: this chapter → Qiao Qing Extra Story → Epilogue, don’t skip, don’t miss