In waiting of Viel

I remember that I was a person who could not speak, why did I say that I was a person who could not speak?" As the literal meaning is, it is difficult for me to express my emotions, but there is one person who will still talk to me like this.

I have always been alone, isolated by everyone.

All stories start with a bad encounter, just like me and Alfred, let’s call him Al, it’s out of my own selfishness.

Al is someone who can chat with everyone, including me.There's a reason why I don't want to talk to anyone.

Because of face blindness.In my eyes, everyone is the same, everyone's face is blank and colorless, but in my world, only Al is different, he has color.

Dazzling sun-like gold, only he is different in a world where I have no concept of color.

So it shouldn't be surprising to show closeness to him.The ambiguous feelings born in his youth are deeply hidden in his heart no matter what.

However, gold is not a color that can be maintained forever, and the sun's rays will disappear one day.

That day was just like a dream, I remember it was my birthday.

Al usually eats with me at noon, but this day came unusually late.

He said to wait for him to go home with him after class, but I waited for a long time and didn't wait.

He's not a liar, I believe so.

When I got home, I found that there were many missed calls on my mobile phone, all of which were from Al's mobile phone.

But the person I called to pick up was not Al, but a nurse from the hospital.

Al had a car accident and was on the phone while holding a custom cake, not noticing that the signal light changed from green to red.

By the time I got there, it was too late to even have a word with Al.

I looked at the cake that had been knocked out of shape outside the emergency room, and there was a big heart on it, crooked, and I couldn't see what it looked like.

My heart is also twisted into a ball like this cake.

I wanted to tell Al earlier that I like you, but I didn't, even if I was rejected, even if I couldn't be friends after that, but he is still there, isn't he?

But never again.

I will never see it again, the golden color that is so dazzling that it is about to warm me.

There is a saying that says: the memory in the body is different from the memory in the brain.

It's like I've been missing Al all the time, but the Al beside me is subconsciously replaced by my first love Al.

I clearly know that the two are completely different, and even I, who is face-blind, know that their faces are different, but they give me exactly the same feeling.

It seems that what I like is not Al, but the warmth they bring me.

While thinking wildly like this, dawn has already begun to break in the east.

Dawn has arrived.

Al, who has a normal schedule, should wake up soon.I can't figure out how I feel now, do I really like Al?

Do you still like the warmth of his body?

I'm so discouraged, Al's feelings for me, can't I express nothing to Al?

Maybe even if he knows that he is wrong, maybe he knows that his feelings for Al are very vague, but why can't he forget the past?

Al hugged me from behind, leaned his head on my shoulder, and said affectionately, "Did you not sleep well last night?"

"No, I remember a little bit of the past, and I feel a little sad." I looked out the window with no expression on my face.

"If you want, you can share it with me." Al saw that I looked a little lonely, rubbed my hair, and then turned to wash.

"If there is a chance." I turned around and smiled at Al, and my heart suddenly beat strongly, as if I couldn't breathe suddenly.

How come... I saw Alfred, my first love, through the back of Al, and the figures of those two people seemed to overlap.

I leaned against the window weakly, holding my head and trying to forget the previous memories.That is the person I can't remember, forget me, forget me, forget me.

I wanted to forget about the old Alfred, I didn't want to mix the two together, neither of them was a replacement for the other.

I also don't want to present any one as a substitute for the other.

In a daze, I seemed to see Alfred smiling at me when he was a student, and then he hugged me.

That Al whispered in my ear, "I like you."

Memories flooded me like a flood. It was the past I always wanted to forget, and the person in the past.

However, it seems that I can never forget it a second time. This is the memory of my body, not the memory of me now.

Breakfast, I looked at Al with a little rapt attention.

Al looked a little strange to me, "What's wrong? Is there something on my face?"

I shook my head, and Al realized something was wrong with me.

Al seemed to read my heart, and said slowly: "Who are you looking at?"

I was stunned, bowed my head and remained silent.

"I don't want to be anyone's replacement. Please take care of me. I am the only Alfred that belongs to you." Al's voice was not loud, but I could hear Al's faint anger.

"I'm sorry..." I lowered my head, almost leaning against the table.

"You know, I don't like hearing those three words." Al approached me and pulled me up from my seat. "I love you, and I hope that in your eyes, I am not a substitute for others."

I never met Al's eyes.That's a guilty conscience, or guilt towards Al.

Seeing that I was silent, Al immediately picked me up and threw me on the sofa. I fell on the sofa and cried out in pain. Al pressed me under him, and without waiting for any reaction from me, he directly Domineering kiss.

I know he's mad at me, but I don't want to tell him about that Alfred, I'm afraid he'll lose control.

"Who are you thinking about again? I know that's what you look like when you're thinking about something." Al threw himself on me, and I subconsciously wanted to touch Al's head. Suddenly, that Al appeared in front of me again, and he threw himself into my arms. Said to me, "Don't leave me."

"I won't leave you." I murmured.

Al did the most intimate thing I hadn't done in a long time, and it was the first time the two of us had seen each other naked during the day, but my heart wasn't beating as fast as before.

This is the first time Al has done this to me against my will.

Because he can't see himself in my eyes.

That was the first Alfred of my first love before.

He hugged him so tightly that I felt like my breathing almost stopped, but I still couldn't make any movements.

"Who am I?" He asked coldly.

"Alfred." The two figures of Alfred in my mind seemed to overlap again, and there was a sharp pain in my brain, and I closed my eyes.

Alfred's expression was cold, and he said: "No matter who I am in your eyes, in short, from now on, you can only stay by my side."

I wanted to speak very much, but my throat seemed to be blocked by something, and I couldn't open my mouth.

It's not, it's just a phantom.You are the one I love now, and that person has become my past.I wanted to say it at first, but now I can't.

That Al seemed to be by my side all the time.

"Don't leave me." That Al smiled and ran in front of me.

"Don't leave me." Al in front of me said while tying my hands behind my back on the chair.

"Well, I won't leave you." I finally gave up and closed my eyes numbly.

What does he mean to Al?

Is it just the way he makes me feel that I like?

Don't think about this kind of thing.

That was too much love for me.

——end 2 The Moon and Sixpence

I didn't know until now that gold is an aggressive color.

Al seemed to fill every corner of my life.

Al's existence has been deeply engraved in my life, and I have no reason to avoid it. It is too strong a golden color that almost engulfs me, emitting an unusually dazzling light.

This may be unconscious monopoly and aggression. Al is eager to swear his ownership of me. My scope of action is limited to Al's home. He does not allow me to go out, but going out is meaningless to me. He The exclusivity is terrible, like an animal swearing its own things, Al has his way.

Intimacy, half-forced, half-submissive.He will leave his mark on me.

He bites my shoulder.It hurts, but there's nothing I can do but whimper, not even escape from Al's side.

In my eyes, sex has no meaning other than the pleasure of numb the brain, I can only quietly feel Al's venting, I know what he is venting, and he wants me to know that he is him and not someone else can be substituted.

Tying me around is also to emphasize my own existence, to emphasize my own existence in my heart.

But I can't forget the first Alfred, my first love.

Maybe he couldn't forget it long ago, but he just pretended to forget it.

Slowly, the golden color gradually devoured me bit by bit, and even the last bit of consciousness slowly disappeared in the golden color.

——(Alfred's perspective)

That night.Moonlight streams into our bedroom through the window.

I looked at Viel in my arms.

His eyes were empty, and he made occasional gestures of resistance.

It was subconscious resistance, but I would become more irritable.

He is like a puppet that I have played badly, and he can't even speak complete words except for basic vocal words.

But that's fine, the puppet only has its own master in its eyes, and there is no shadow of other people.

It only needs me alone, because I am the same, "I only need you by my side." I said to him a little crazy.

He was a little confused and half-opened his eyes, I couldn't help kissing him, this person always easily loses control of himself.

This person gave me a name, and many more, including the present and the past, but he did not give himself a future.

future with him.

"Ah."

I froze for a moment, and then came back to my senses, "You promised me." Then I interlocked our fingers, "Then we will always be together."

"......Um."

I laughed and ended up crying without knowing why.

As long as you are by my side, I don't want anything else.

This is good, this is good.

You only have me in your eyes.