I am not Ximen Qing.

Act V

First match

Meng Liang's room was a mess. His face was bruised and swollen, and he was sweeping up broken glass bottles. A young woman nearby was crying and apologizing to him.

The young woman exclaimed, "It's all my fault! Who would have thought Othello was a fraud!"

Meng Liang said, "Girl, be careful in the future. That guy Othello wants to lure you to Guangzhou. Once you get there, you'll be all alone and won't be able to call for help!"

Zhang Sheng: "What's going on? Othello has come all the way here! This is too dramatic! How dare you make a move on Othello? Your girlfriend? She must be a love-struck fool who's fiercely jealous and vengeful!"

Meng Liang said, "It's more like dog shit. I was greedy for that little bit of cheap rent and almost let her fall for it!"

The young woman said, "Stop talking! Othello is such a womanizer. I just wanted some excitement. I never expected him to take our fake relationship seriously. Dude, watch out!"

Meng Liang said, "You've lived here for three years, we're practically family now. I'm not Othello, don't be afraid!"

Guo Jia: "Brother, what happened to your foot?"

Meng Liang: "It's okay, it's okay. Othello is really strong. He tossed me around like a chicken."

Zhang Sheng: "He! He! He! Make him show himself right now! I want revenge!"

Meng Liang: "I regret it so much. Why don't I split off another personality?"

Zhang Sheng: "Don't you dare split up again, or something terrible will happen."

Meng Liang said, "Don't even mention Othello's fall. I'm just being myself again. This time, consider it a lesson to Othello. You shameless brat, you were fine yesterday, but now you've changed your tune so quickly."

The young woman said, "I never expected him to treat me like his personal possession."

Meng Liang said, "It's alright, he definitely won't dare to come back."

The young woman pleaded, "Brother, you have to protect my personal safety."

Meng Liang said, "Don't be so casual in the future, especially since foreigners can turn their backs on you."

The young woman said, "Brother, I know you definitely don't like me anymore."

Meng Liang: "Who said that? You are my own sister. I don't have many relatives, so I like to make friends with them. Go back to your place and get some rest. Do your job well tomorrow. Don't forget the rent this month. The landlord is good. To find a landlord in Beijing who collects rent on time every month, he must have accumulated a lot of good karma in his past life."

The young woman said, "From now on, you're my brother. You're my brother now."

She had returned to her bedroom and regained her composure.

Zhang Sheng said, "My older cousin just came to Beijing from Jiuhua Mountain. I asked him to get you some talismans to suppress the evil spirits. They're quite effective. You've been acting strangely lately! Even Othello is giving you trouble. Othello must have discovered something."

Meng Liang: "Othello discovered something in me that even he was jealous of!"

Guo Jia said, "Let me take care of my leg first. You and Brother Song are truly brothers in misfortune."

Zhang Sheng said, "Is there any tea? Let's have some tea before I give my conclusion."

Meng Liang: "Is green tea okay? It can reduce internal heat and clear the lungs."

Zhang Sheng: "Tea's here to perk me up. I've been nervous for three days straight, and I'm covered in sweat. Hmm, about that topic, I've got it. Meng Liang, listen to me, the problem lies with your lust. Othello is definitely jealous. Do you think he'll think you've got his girlfriend?"

Meng Liang retorted, "What nonsense! She's had her eye on me for a long time."

Zhang Sheng: "Then why don't you pursue her? Being in a good position makes it easier to get what you want."

Meng Liang: "I originally wanted to drink some cat urine, so I went to find her. Othello got her first, though."

Zhang Sheng said, "That's why I lost."

Meng Liang said, "Then give me some advice. I'll go find her now and tell her I like her. Anyway, I've already done a hero saving a damsel in distress, so she should make Othello stand me up too."

Zhang Sheng said, "Listen to me, wait for my older cousin to have him perform a spell on you to remove all those messy personalities from your body. Then you can get married, start a family, have a child, and all those personality splits will be gone. Good idea, right, Guo Jia?"

Guo Jia said, "Great! I agree, but when you're looking for a wife, never choose one who's a vegetarian."

Meng Liang said, "Whoever eats, pays the bill."

Guo Jia said, "My wife is a vegetarian, and I dare not eat any meat at all. She can smell it, and it makes her nauseous."

Zhang Sheng: "Guo Jia, your wife doesn't eat a single bit of meat, not even an inch!"

Guo Jia "is not entirely vegetarian; she can only eat seafood. Her family are fishermen."

Zhang Sheng said, "Why don't you two have a baby sooner? It'll be troublesome when you get older."

Guo Jia said, "I wouldn't dare have a child without at least 100 million in savings. I have to learn from Brother Song: get married, have kids, and keep moving towards money."

Zhang Sheng said, "If you want to get rich, you have to abstain from sex."

Meng Liang said, "Quitting pornography won't work; you'll regress if you don't use it for a long time."

Guo Jia: "I agree with your point of view, brother. A man can't be without Ximen Qing."

Zhang Sheng said, "What I mean is, at this crucial stage of your career, you need to give up some desires. Or should I take you to the ER right now for an X-ray? Don't worry, your ankle is very swollen."

Meng Liang said, "I know it's neither a fracture nor a crack, so I'm not going. I hate hospitals."

Zhang Sheng: "You can't escape going to the hospital for an X-ray, whether you're born, get old, sick, or die. Your fingers have changed."

Meng Liang was injured while playing basketball.

Zhang Sheng said, "So I have to go to the hospital for an X-ray to be on the safe side. If it's like my fingers or toes, which are bent, that would be a problem; a disability would be a problem."

Meng Liang said, "Besides, Othello might come back again soon, and I'll protect her."

Guo Jia was speechless when it came to love.

Zhang Sheng said, "For love, he has the strength to duel Othello; you are a patient now and cannot duel Othello."

Meng Liang: "Can you please stop provoking me? Otherwise, as a poet, can't you at least give me some dignity? It's too late, let's go out for dinner together."

Zhang Sheng: "Let's skip dinner, we'll head back first. Lock the door. Contact us if anything comes up."

Meng Liang said, "My strength is enough to uproot mountains and my spirit to overwhelm the world. I have a kitchen knife; if he dares to come, I'll turn him into a top-quality fat ox in no time. If I can't even protect a woman, how can I start a family? You little punk, I don't care if it's Othello or David; coming here is like entering a slaughterhouse."

Guo Jia said, "I'm not saying anything more. Otherwise, it would be an insult to my character."

Zhang Sheng: "Yeah, why don't we just make that girl your wife?"

Second match

Ward

A family returning from the United States

Song Yu said, "Auntie, it's too late, you should go back to the hotel to rest."

Auntie said, "David will stay and take care of you for a while; you can't manage alone."

David: "I can do it well too."

Jordan "Mommy, i wanna stay here is a funny my cousin. It's too alone"

Aunt "You know jordan doctorDon't permit david break the rules"

Jordan "Mom, I can hide myself under the corners"

Alice's aunt told him to stay here and chat with his cousin.

Song Yu: "Alice, congratulations on getting into Harvard Law School. How is your uncle doing in America?"

My aunt said, "I regret it so much; he started his own family."

David: "Honey, I love you forever"

Auntie: "Honey, I love you forever"

Song Yu said, "You should all go back to the hotel and get some rest. I really want to take you all to Mutianyu."

David said, "Nephew, don't be sad. Congratulations on having your own home in Beijing—a house, a car, a wife, and kids!"

Auntie said, "David, don't try too hard to conform. Whenever you become a snob, we'll separate!"

David's nephew, Chinese women are so heartbreaking.

Jordan, "why? why i can't speak chinese, it's unfair, mother"

The female real estate agent said, "Brother, why don't you just stay in the hospital? Having you around will broaden our horizons. Don't tell me you have an American girlfriend? Will she come to see you?"

The real estate agent's husband said, "Don't act like a clown. Why hasn't the insurance company's claims adjuster arrived yet? I'm so worried. I'm concerned about how much I can get reimbursed."

The real estate agent said, "Honey, look at me! At home I'm treated like a servant, but can't you give me any face in public?"

Song Yu said, "Auntie, things are different here than in America. We should go back. I can manage on my own; otherwise, I won't be able to go anywhere tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'll have Guo Jia drive you to Mutianyu. 'He who has not climbed the Great Wall is not a true hero.' David, Jordan, Alice, you all go back. Don't worry about me."

The real estate agent suggested, "Auntie, why don't you just buy a house in China?"

David: "Madam, slow down, she's my beautiful wife."

The real estate agent said, "I thought she was your mother."

The real estate agent asked, "Wife, please, hold me while we sleep, I swear I'll be gentle with you?"

The real estate agent said, "Honey, you've really changed. Tell me why."

The real estate agent's husband yelled, "Why? Why? Can't you have any shame? Don't—and absolutely don't—use that money you used to sell houses on overseas Chinese returning from abroad!"

Song Yu said, "Auntie, take them away quickly, or this place will turn into an animal farm! I'm being discharged tomorrow and will fly away from the hospital immediately!"

David said, "Your nephew should stay a few more days; it will help your recovery."

Song Yu: "David, I'm scared. This place is like a symphony playing back on the stage of my life. It's terrifying. If I don't get discharged, they'll come in groups, and my wife will have another drunken rampage. That's bad for the kids. I don't want my child to know that his father had so many girlfriends in the past."

David: "That's impossible."

Song Yu said, "Why is it impossible? We were in New York last year, and now your whole family is at the hospital. What else is impossible? Dawei, didn't you want to cultivate yourself? Travel around China more. I'll take you to Mount Wutai."

Auntie said, "David, you can't become a monk."

David: "As long as you stop beating me. I'll never be a monk again."

Song Yu said, "Auntie, you mustn't use domestic violence against David."

My aunt said, "I'm practically a mother to him now, but he has some psychological trauma. He's such a pitiful child."

Jordan: "Mom, why did you divorce Dad? I have a trauma from it too,"

Auntie: "How come you can speak Chinese?"

Michael Jordan, who "doesn't speak a word of English because of his father suffering in America, is the most pitiful man in the world."

Aunt: "Son, why are you reopening my wounds?"

Alice: "Mom, I want to leave Jordan right away. I'm going to have to argue with David in a little while."

David: "Son, I just took you to Disneyland."

Jordan: "That was money your mom spent. When have you ever earned any money? You're such a nice guy?"

Aunt said, "We've all left, nephews and nieces, otherwise we'd lose all face."

Alice: "Mom, why are you acting the same way you did in China? I'm so disappointed."

My aunt said, "Just because I married David, you two are so disappointed. Nephew, remember this: being a man is hard, but being a woman is even harder. You'll understand later."

Song Yu said, "Auntie, I now think you should never get married in China, because you'll get divorced even if you go to America."

Auntie, "What's so great about it?"

Song Yu said, "Sorry, that's not what I meant. That Chinese men should never get married, and American women should never get married, right? Otherwise, why were you and your uncle so loving in China? But you got divorced as soon as you went to America. My parents were different; they divorced. It's the children who get hurt."

Auntie, goodbye!

Song Yu said, "Auntie, I'm sorry, you misunderstood me."

The real estate agent said, "Brother, that's not how it is. My husband and I will never get a divorce!"

The real estate agent's husband said, "Go prepare instant noodles, I want to eat instant noodles."

The real estate agent said, "Honey, can't you give me some face?"

The real estate agent's husband said, "Brother, why are you chasing after me like this? Well, if we're not getting a divorce, it's no big deal. The key is who's chasing whom. I can see it now, you're the one chasing your wife."

Song Yu: "You know everything"

The real estate agent said, "Brother, everyone in the hospital knows you love your wife and cherish your children. You're a model husband, he's your idol."

Song Yu: "Is anyone there?"

The nurse said, "What are you doing? It's the middle of the night, and your room is making a ruckus. That family just gave us a hard time. Do you know how hard it is to earn a living? You want to be discharged? Not now. Tomorrow, tomorrow too. We're human beings too, we need to rest and sleep. Understanding is key!"

Song Yu: "Did I say I wanted to be discharged from the hospital?"

The nurse didn't say, but I have a feeling someone said the hospital has a rule that only one person can stay?

Song Yu: "Now I don't need a caregiver anymore. I'm wondering what it's like to feel this way for 48 hours?"

The nurse said, "Sir, that won't do. Let alone 48 hours, I don't think you could even last 24 hours."

Song Yu's "I Watch Movies"

The nurse said, "You can't watch a movie for 48 hours straight."

Song Yu wrote, "The movie is called 'Life and Death 48 Hours'."

The nurse said, "Where's that snoring gentleman? He snores like thunder. It's really missing him here. His story about Fan Jin passing the imperial examination is quite insightful. How are we going to get through these long nights? You watch movies, I'll watch Fan Jin passing the imperial examination. Dealing with bones and muscles all day long is so painful. Luckily, everything is going well for you. How come you have so many friends? Are there any single brothers among them?"

Song Yu: "What?"

The nurse said, "Find a boyfriend like you."

Song Yu said, "I'm quite the womanizer."

The nurse said, "Nobody believes it, but I'm almost moved by you. You're always chanting 'wife, wife' in a mantra. I never thought there were men in the world who loved their wives so much. You understand, I work day and night to find a man as good as you. You always cook dinner after work, and you'll massage my shoulders and back when I'm tired. Just for that, and the fact that you earn money, birds of a feather flock together, so you can't be bad."

Song Yu: "I'm a man who's dated over 100 girlfriends. I'm about to become a father, so the genetic inheritance problem is solved. My wife is calling me 'wife, wife, wife, wife!'"

The nurse said, "That's hilarious! Who would believe that? Your wife's like a lamb the moment she leaves. Don't lie to me. Don't worry, I'll change the ice pack for you in a bit."

Song Yu: "Didn't we stop?"

The nurse said, "That guy just doesn't know how to talk. But good men are rare, and I can't let you suffer. You're a good man, hahaha! It's settled then. I'll be right back so you can get some sleep. I know a nurse, don't hesitate to call her when you go to the bathroom."