She's waiting for me there.

For the next period of time, I locked myself in the bedroom and just looked at the sky outside the window every day.

Desperate?

No, I didn't feel desperate.

The definition of despair is the absence of hope or the complete loss of faith in something.

But it’s not that I don’t have the confidence to wait any longer, but that there’s nothing I can wait for. The person I care about has been killed by me.

That’s right, I was the one who killed him.

If I hadn't insisted on going with him that day.

If he hadn't cared about my feelings that day and told me the news that my father was hospitalized.

If he hadn't sent me back that day.

if......

But there are no so many ifs. It was me who killed him.

Looking back on what has happened in the past few years, who is wrong?

My parents?

No, they did nothing wrong, they really did nothing wrong. If I were them, I wouldn't do any better than they did. They were just worried about their daughter's safety, and it wasn't excessive.

Could it be Gu Hongfei?

He just loves me very much, what could he do wrong?

Then I am the only one left in the whole thing, and according to the theory of causality, I am the only one who is wrong.

I now regret trusting him in the KTV. If I hadn't gone with him that day, he would still be that happy little yellow-haired boy now, and would not be so eager for our future happiness and end up losing his life.

In this way, I spent every day in regret, and the laughter in my home disappeared.

My parents changed the contact information for the whole family. They don’t want to have any contact with those messy people, and they don’t want me to be provoked.

Every time they saw me looking dull, their eyes would turn red, and finally, they had to take me to the hospital.

After the test results came out, I sat in front of the doctor, my eyes still fixed on the window.

The words I learned in high school biology class rang in my ears.

Neurotransmitter, acetylcholine, synaptic cleft, releasing hormone, dopamine.

Yes, I have depression.

When I heard this word, I smiled. What a distant and unfamiliar word. With my personality, how could I get such a strange disease?

Looking at the crowd talking and laughing outside the window, they were really happy.

And my happiness is dead.

In the following six months, I became a frequent visitor to the hospital, and most of the psychiatrists knew me.

Because my case is very strange. Most patients with depression have tendencies towards suicide or self-harm.

But I was different. I just sat there quietly every day, sometimes trying hard to smile at my parents, and then continued to look out the window.

In fact, I really want to tell them that I am not sick, but my heart is dead.

But my body cannot die with me, because I still have parents and a younger brother who love me. I have already made someone who loves me pay the price, and I cannot hurt the people around me anymore.

That winter, snowflakes were falling outside. Perhaps children in the south rarely see snow, so they ran around in the snow cheering. The atmosphere in the community was much more lively than usual.

Suddenly, I jumped out of bed, stood on the windowsill, opened the window and looked out at them.

My parents ran over after hearing the noise, and when they saw half of my body sticking out, they were so scared that they almost collapsed to the ground.

Just when they were about to run over and pull me back, I suddenly turned around and looked at them, revealing a long-lost smile.

He said in a relaxed tone: "Little old man, can I become a teacher, preferably an elementary school teacher?"

Hearing this familiar name, the father with half gray hair burst into tears and nodded continuously.

"Okay, Dad will do it for you tomorrow and will definitely let you become a teacher."

They didn't ask the reason, nor did they interfere too much. In their hearts, as long as their daughter smiled, they would support her no matter what she did.

In fact, the reason is very simple, because Gu Hongfei said that he likes children very much. If we have children in the future, we will definitely take good care of them and educate them into adults, and they will not go astray like him.

So I want to fulfill his wish and find motivation to live for myself.

My parents were already local high school teachers, so it wasn't too difficult for me to get into elementary school. My academic qualifications were also fine, as I had obtained my teacher's certificate when I was with Gu Hongfei.

In this way, I became the first-grade head teacher of a local primary school.

At the beginning, I was a little uncomfortable. I hadn't been exposed to the outside world for a long time, and I always felt it was a bit difficult to deal with those colleagues.

Fortunately, in such a small city, the number of students in a class is not too large, and the pace of class is also very slow.

I prepare my lessons very hard every day, thinking about how to educate this group of students well.

Looking at the banner posted in the office, I smiled.

"When Heaven is about to confer a great responsibility on a man, it will first test his mind and spirit, exhaust his muscles and bones, and starve his body."

The bones and muscles, the body and skin, these are all given by our parents. As for the mind, it died that night.

Then the only thing left is the "great responsibility", perhaps I have found my "great responsibility".

After a month, I finally adapted to life in school. When I was giving lectures and looking at the group of cute little guys in the audience, I felt inexplicably happy.

Although they can be naughty and disobedient, isn't this the meaning of education?

When I look at them, I always feel like I’m seeing the young Gu Hongfei. Perhaps if it weren’t for that fire, he would definitely be a very outstanding person now.

Gu Hongfei, I miss you again.

Since then, our home has returned to its former warmth. My parents looked at my changes and the wrinkles on their faces seemed to have decreased a lot.

As the days passed, I put all my energy into those lovely children.

There are also teachers in school who pursue me or want to introduce me to a boyfriend.

The most active person here is the principal, a bald man in his 50s. He looks very kind and is very enthusiastic towards both teachers and students.

When he has nothing to do, he would wander around. When he saw me, he would say that someone's family had a nice young man and he wanted to introduce him to me.

But I politely declined every time, and after a few times, they stopped mentioning the matter.

This may be the advantage of a small city. There is no competition and not much intrigue. Everyone is like a friend.

Gradually, I also got to know the families of every student in the class. Most of them have their parents with them, but there are a few students whose parents work outside and live with their elderly parents.

Although they have some bad personalities, their character and values ​​are still very good, especially the little girl named Sun Na. She looks chattering at ordinary times, but after returning home, she always helps my grandfather with some rough work. She is very filial.

I often call them together and give them individual tutoring, not only on their studies, but also on various things they should know at this age.

Over time, the results of my teaching have become apparent. Watching them change day by day, I feel a sense of accomplishment in my heart, as if I have done something extraordinary.

This also made me work even harder and forget about eating and sleeping. I was so busy that I couldn't even eat a meal in a whole day. All my thoughts were focused on how to educate these students into adults.

In this way, this class was taught until the fourth grade.

That year, I was 28 years old.