Legends of Runeterra

The other day I was walking in this little square next to the Nashrameh Library—dusty, its flagstones older than any empire, and usually quiet. I'd just come from the Grand Market, bargaining away a few good deals with those clueless human merchants. I'd ask, "How much for this teapot?" and then, "A true Ascension-era mace wouldn't have been engraved with that!"

But after a day of tumbling around with mortals, I've had enough. If I hear the cheery greeting of "Water and shade for you," I'm going to overheat.

Anyway, I was about to haul a load of treasures back to my shed, thinking happily about what would happen after returning to my garbage dump, when all of a sudden, plop!, I fell to the ground.

In a heartbeat, I leaped to my feet and found myself surrounded by mortals again. But these were young humans, a swarm of small children. One scrawny kid had bumped into me and my trailer, and the other kids were laughing at him. He struggled to his feet, holding onto the strangest mechanical contraption I'd ever seen—a board on wheels. He didn't smile, but instead kept apologizing.

"I'm sorry, Oubzhan!"

I said, “Do I look like your grandfather?” The child had neither my charming smile nor my razor-sharp cheekbones, nor were his ears furry at all, so it was hard to say they looked like a grandfather and grandson.

Anyway, there was a leader among the group: a fierce-looking guy wearing a really big Noxian-style coat and iron-toed leather boots. He said, "Where are you going, you pangolin?"

My feathers immediately stood up, and then I realized that he was talking to the skinny guy. But no matter who he was talking to, it was too vicious.

The little leader didn't let it go. He continued, "You're just Shuriman trash, Anaktu. You're ugly, dumb, and can't even walk." He gestured at my wrecked little trailer. "Our empire doesn't need useless garbage. We should just throw you and the rest of the garbage into this old man's garbage dump."

This really got me fired up. I felt like steam was coming out of my ears. So I walked up to the tall little bully—well, actually, I walked up to his knees—and I said, "Hey, kid. You better apologize."

He put on a sour face, full of disdain. "Do you know who you're talking to, old man? I'm Csu Lance. My father is Governor Lance! Get out of here, or we'll clean up all the garbage in this vacant lot."

Of course, I walked away.

Did I mention my shed? It's tattered, unremarkable, and filled with so many small things that humans have no idea of ​​their value. But it's just an illusion, a superficial disguise. Because as soon as I put everything in the right place, the portal back home will appear immediately.

So I wasn't walking away from this little bully. I was walking towards my shed. Not running away, obviously—but towards a giant, tarpaulin-covered steel machine.

Meanwhile, C'Su was busy haranguing his gang of punks about how he was the bright future of Shurima. So when he noticed me again, it was because my shadow was obscuring him. And I was obscuring the sun because I was sitting in a giant bipedal mech, my sweetest Tristy.

"I will give you fire and shade, Kesu."

Oh, his face! It's like he was shot with my harpoon!

Of course, I hadn't fired the harpoon yet. That came later.

Now, I'm not partial when it comes to telling stories, so I have to admit that Tristy might have had a slight issue at this point. It's basically unnoticeable, but for the sake of completeness and interest, I have to tell you that there was a little... problem, and the atmosphere was awkward for a moment.

Tristy and I, we're the definition of terrifying, but the glitch just now emboldened some of the kids, and one of them actually hit my mech's legs with a stick! "You're just an old fool guarding a pile of stinky junk. You're just one person, and we're a whole gang," she said, waving a finger at the dozen or so little kids behind her, armed and angry.

Of course, there is also the one who should not be there - the skinny little guy, Anaktu, who is still stepping on the worst mechanical device.

As I was hammering away at Tristy's targeting system, I noticed him grab the "100% authentic" Ascended Era mace from my trailer. I'm definitely going to have a conversation with my "grandson" about personal property after this.

In short, Anaktu yelled, "He's not a man!"

But Kesu burst into laughter and tried to kick him! The skinny guy twisted his body on the roller board and swept the hammer towards Kesu's other leg. Then, with a loud bang, the little bully fell heavily.

Anaktu yelled and then started to fight the other kids. They were surprised because in a few seconds, he had the two big guys cornered. Unfortunately, he didn't see Kesu rushing up from behind, holding my trailer handle in his hand, and was about to hit him with a club.

But Anaktu was not alone either.

Tristy came alive again, and boom! I was hurtling across the square. Tristy and I slid to a stop, kicking up a cloud of dust, and I pulled the trigger.

It's sizzling!

Remember that harpoon I mentioned earlier? Yeah, I shot the trailer lever mid-swing with a shock harpoon. I'm curious to see if some special yordle can pull off such extreme shooting feats!

Kesu? He fell to the dust. Anaktu heard the sound and turned around. He smiled brightly at me.

"Oubuzhan!"

"Okay, okay, come on up," I said, extending a hand from Tristy's driver's seat. "The view is better upstairs."

He seemed to have said, "Obedience is worse than respect!", which sounded quite impressive in such an occasion.

Then Tristy started going puff-puff and sizzle-sizzle-sizzle, and I had Anaktu use his fire-breathing weapon, but only to scare the older kids. Anyway, Tristy and I were pretty good, and I guess Anaktu was pretty good for a mortal, and it wasn't long before the bullies were on the run.

I smiled and said to Anaktu, "It might be a little bumpy." Then there was a violent tremor and the sky was filled with rockets.

The bullies fled to the archway at the edge of the square, and then boom, boom, boom, the rockets fell to the ground, releasing fire and plasma, blocking their retreat.

So they were trapped there, with a constant wall of fire on one side and the strongest mechanized pilot in Runeterra on the other. I was about to order him to apologize when Anaktu climbed down, slid in front of Kesu, and asked him, "Why are you so mean?"