[hp] Fall in love at Hogwarts

ooc warning

Orthopedic warning

A long, painful stream of consciousness.

----

For a long time, I thought Severus and I were monsters.

Living in a dark and unventilated room, eating small amounts of stale food, and often having to be severely beaten with a wooden stick by his drunken and angry father, his body was not covered with much extra meat. What could cure the disease? There is no medicine, we are left to fend for ourselves.

I asked Sif, if it wasn't a monster, why didn't our mother do what Mrs. Lyon a few houses away did, who would immediately rush forward and hug her child to comfort her whenever her child screamed for hunger or pain?

I don’t use this metaphor to mean that I envy others. After all, I don’t want to grow up into a black ball like Mrs. Leon’s child, who gasps for breath every two steps and looks like he is about to die. —Looks like a piece of fatty pork that is not very tasty.

Every time I ask such a question, I can only get a silent answer from my biological brother. He sits next to me and lowers his head with a candlelight to read the almost worn out herbal book. The black book has no scissors to trim it. His long hair firmly covers his ears, and he uses this to avoid all the questions I ask that come to mind and for which I don't expect answers.

The bones of our shoulders were fighting harmlessly, and the long and short hair of the same color were entangled together. I raised my hand to maliciously block the flickering candlelight, so that Sifu, who was concentrating on reading, could pay more attention to me. On this poor sister.

Bloodline is really a wonderful thing, and I don’t think it has any influence on my parents. Regardless of whether they ignore or hate them, except for the scars left by sticks on their bodies, they are as indifferent as leaves floating on the water. But such an insignificant tie to others can tightly bind me and Sif. I wish I could fuse every inch of flesh and blood together so that I can stay by his side forever and not be separated.

I love him, probably yes. I accidentally saw such a word in a book I didn’t know where. After disassembling and analyzing it, it can match all my chaotic emotions. I think this word can describe my love for the West very well. Ev's feelings.

This kind of haziness, described in the book as sweet and entangled, has always been suppressed in my heart and has never been spoken out. After all, the two of us can only rely on each other, and only each other. I always thought that when we grew up and were able to earn enough to live and drink outside, we would move out of Spider End and go somewhere else together, either London, Edinburgh, or Cardiff. Okay, anyway don't stay in Cokeworth, go as far as possible.

This beautiful thought about the future lasted until we received the two acceptance letters thrown by the owl. That day, for the first time, I saw Sifu’s dark eyes bursting with his expectations for the future. I hugged the two letters tightly in my arms, and no matter how much my furious father punched and kicked him, he remained silent.

"Monster!" The man was tired from beating and spat at Sifu and me. His years of frustration made his whole face look ferocious. His eyes passed from us to the corner, where he lowered his head and said nothing. His mother cursed fiercely, "They are all his/her monsters!"

Wizards, magic, words that are only seen in fairy tale books, seemed to have nothing to do with me or Sif before this acceptance letter arrived. For the first time, I felt that my tongue was so ineffective. I couldn't express all the questions in my mind despite repeated squirming. I had to close my mouth and take out some remaining alcohol to disinfect Sif.

"I've been waiting." He was not honest when I applied the medicine. He repeatedly looked at the two letters in his hand, which were the same except for their names. "Lea, I've been waiting."

Sif did not explain to me why he had known that he would receive the notice. It was only now that I discovered that the tattered herbal medicine book he was reading was actually a magic book related to potions.

I originally thought that there were no secrets between us, that it was a completely smooth ice surface that no one else could break, but the fact is that even the neighbor sisters knew these strange and obscure secrets, and I was the only one who knew nothing.

A bone-painful wind blew in through the cracks in the room. He and I lay on the bed shoulder to shoulder as usual. For the first time, he didn't read a book, and I didn't ask him any weird expectations for the future.

My brother didn't seem to entangle our futures with each other the way I did, but rather to clearly separate them - for good or bad reasons, he was dividing us into two individuals.

I don't really like this.

Life began to become dislocated the moment I entered Hogwarts. No matter how hard I tried to think about the twisted Rubik's Cube, I couldn't keep up with the disrupted pace. The colorful cubes were separated on different surfaces and were sluggish, unable to return to their original state. A gathering place.

Compared to Sev and even Lily, one of the neighbor sisters, my talent for magic is really pitiful. Even if I read and practice so hard to catch up a little bit more, I still can't change Sev. The fact that he was so far ahead left me behind.

He is always busy, busy learning things that will make him famous or powerful, so that even if we are in Slytherin, the chance of me being side by side with him in a daze like before has become Almost non-existent.

He still habitually sits next to me in class. No matter where I choose to sit, he doesn't mind. Perhaps to him, these magics that I think are obscure and difficult to understand are already things he learned a long time ago. , it is no longer worth his attention to check.

I will take advantage of this rare time to be side by side with him, and let the bones of our shoulders fight again - but unfortunately after entering school, the food is not bad, and there will no longer be pain when we bump.

When I was distracted, Sifu would helplessly remind me in a low voice. He turned his head and frowned, and then pursed his lips and smiled because of the faces I made at him. His whole person looked particularly awkward.

Sometimes I would sneak the hand that was on the table to turn the book and hide it in Sifu's wide sleeve, and then squeeze my fingers into his fingertips. We would hide from all sight and have physical contact, just like countless people in the past. As at night, he squeezed my hand and turned the pages with his other hand to continue reading.

"I'm hungry," I grunted at him.

"Didn't you open your mouth when you were eating?" Sif glared at me, "Otherwise, why would you complain about hunger every day when it's not meal time?"

At this time, I just need to hide from the professors' eyes and wait for him to stuff snacks into my mouth. Xifu has always been unforgiving with his mouth and always honest with me.

I am the only one who has enjoyed this kind of good thing, not even Lily, who seems to be closest to him at the moment - I forgot to mention that the girl was sorted into Gryffindor, and her fiery red hair matches her very well.

After I clearly understood that my talent was not good enough, I didn't worry too much about my poor grades. Sifu also said that I just have to do my best, and he will take care of the rest. I don't have to be top-notch, as long as everything is happy.

"What is the standard for happiness?" I asked him.

Sifu, who was sitting opposite me and looking at the forbidden book, did not raise his head to look at me. One of his hands was still holding mine, but he only tightened it slightly. It wasn't until I exhaled in pain that the strength eased.

He lowered his eyes and didn't know what he was thinking. After a long time, he responded to me dullly: "Just become stronger."

However, I thought it would be nice if Sif was by my side.

We are connected by blood and are the closest people in the world. No one loves him more than me, and I believe no one loves me more than him.

The word I happened to read when I was a child fermented and swelled in my chest. I don’t know if it was because I walked out of Spider End Alley and had a broader knowledge and a more flexible mind. If before, I was not sure whether the descriptions in the book could correspond. Of all the feelings I have for Sif, I can now say that it is love.

I love Severus, my brother.

When I was lying on the bed with my roommate in the same dormitory and talking about boys, I was often speechless, because I could only think of Severus, the nights we hugged each other in Spider End Alley, every time we held hands, and the only thing I could think of was Severus. The gentle smile that I would have.

None of my friends realized that I would have such feelings for my biological brother. They laughed and teased me for being as clingy as my brother's chewing gum. This would delay Xifu's relationship. He was not very fond of it in the first place. welcome.

I didn't respond, thinking in my heart that if he never fell in love, he would only be with me forever.

However, Sif once again deviated from my imagination. He suddenly asked me on a very ordinary afternoon, when I was happily sleeping in his arms for a long time: "Do you have someone you like?"

There was no shyness or joy of having his secret revealed. I knew that when he asked such questions, he was excluding himself from the range of choices, and he was doing something to exclude me.

"Why do you ask this all of a sudden?"

"It's time for you to fall in love and stop staying with me all the time."

"You think I'm annoying?"

He suddenly laughed, but not at me. Following his eyes, I saw Lily playing with Potter and his group not far away. Her red hair burned like fire and took away the air around me, screaming. My chest felt as if I was suffocating.

"Do you like Lily?" I asked.

Sif didn't look at me, but I seemed to already know the answer. He liked Lily, so he disliked me as a sister who would get in the way and block his pursuit of beauty.

The anger caused all my reason to run away from home. I tried to stand up calmly and turned his head over to force him to look at me. I said word by word: "You know..."

I choked up and finally stopped talking.

Because the way Sev looked at me was so cold, I could clearly feel that the cracked ice surface that had been cracked since entering Hogwarts was completely split by him. Unknowingly, he was already a head taller than me, and his face was so bright. The degree of similarity has also been worn away by time.

I suddenly hated the fact that we had the same blood, which made me out of the competition without even being qualified to participate in it.

We became estranged after such a quarrel that was not a quarrel, and Sev's pursuit of Lily was openly displayed on the table, as if to prove how certain he was about what he said at that time.

Sifu will never have any intimate physical contact with me again. During class, our shoulders are two fists apart, and the shoulders that have been covered with sufficient nutrition cannot have any more collisions.

What makes me even more uncomfortable is that I can no longer capture his figure outside of class time. It’s like Sif has played a long hide-and-seek game with me, and I have been passively being played by him.

Using the excuse of falling in love, my biological sister had to pass on information about him from other people. He acted like a mute and said nothing to me. Even when I found out that he was working for a mysterious man, it was through stealing. listen.

He wants power, rights, and love, but it seems he just doesn't want me.

I used a spell on myself and hid here on the bookshelf to watch him stroking the back of a book. He looked at the book with a smile, so tenderly that I felt that he was not reading a book, but breaking the illusion spell and seeing it. Me here on the bookshelf.

"You like that Evans so much?" someone asked him.

"Yes." Sifu replied with a cherished and gentle tone as when he received the admission notice when he was a child. His eyes were always looking at the book, or in my direction, "Yes."

I never went to the library again after that.

I tried to get a boyfriend, trying to see whether my feelings for Sif were a distorted family affection or real love, but I still couldn't fall in love with that boyfriend until I was 18 years old and when I graduated. I realized almost desperately that I really loved my brother, and I couldn't fool myself with family affection.

I used to think that I might die without Sif, but in the past few years, I finally discovered that I wouldn't, and I really wouldn't be able to do anything.

The last time I saw Sif was my eighteenth birthday. I planned to go abroad with my boyfriend to escape the upcoming fight. Sif also warned me that it had been a long time since I had the same opinion as him.

The last night in Spider End Lane, Seaver came back from nowhere to spend my last birthday in the UK with me. I used to sit at this table thinking that he would go to London or Edinburgh or Canada with me in the future. Husband, I didn’t expect that none of them came true.

He lit candles for me without a wand. Sif took out a box of lighters from under our childhood bed and lit it - luckily it was still working, otherwise I wouldn't have found any other way to light it at night.

I closed my eyes and wanted to make a wish, but my mind went blank and I couldn't think of any ideas. I could only count for fifteen seconds silently and then opened my eyes.

When I blew out the candles, I saw a bright teardrop in the corner of Sif's eye. I turned my head away and pretended not to see it. He also hoped that I didn't see it.

"I love you."

"I love you."

In the darkness, I didn’t know who was the first to say this hypocritical words. After a long time, we all laughed in unison.

I have never been back to the UK again. Sif always sends me a lot of gold galleons every month no matter what I think. This allows me to support myself well and even live well even if I don't work or get married.

Life without Severus was unexpectedly very comfortable. I gave birth to a child seven years after my boyfriend and I got married, and I lived the kind of stable and comfortable life I longed for most as a child.

The return of the mysterious man has not had any impact on the Muggle community outside the UK. My life is still as harmonious as before. Occasionally, I can see Sif's figure in letters from former classmates, mostly as some negative images.

He gained strength and seemed to have gained rights, but it was a pity that he did not get love.

A few years later, I received news of his death.

As his only relative, I can only return to China to pack up all the things he left behind. I refused to be accompanied by my husband and apparated back to Hogwarts alone.

The book I saw him caressing when I finally entered the library was locked in a box by him with a magic spell that only the two of us knew. I opened the book by mistake. What was inside was not a potions guide as the cover said, but His diary.

A diary that records a lot of things in bits and pieces since I left the library that day.

I raised my hand and stroked the back of the book as I had seen him do at that time. My fingertips slowly slid over and came into contact with not the dusty and wrinkled cardboard cover today, but the same hand he stretched out twenty years ago. .

The undercurrent that was deliberately hidden under the thick layer of ice was finally cut open by this long period of time. I could see his feelings that he never showed in front of others surged up and screamed at me about his years of grievance. , occasionally a drop or two of water will be thrown into my eyes, and then flow to the ground.

In the past, I always wanted to know, on the night of my eighteenth birthday, when I saw the tears after the fifteen seconds of my wish, was he happy that I had finally walked the path he expected, or was he happy that I had finally walked the path he expected? It’s a pity that we never had the same understanding.

Maybe there are.

-

This is an emotionally complex article, and it was so frustrating to write.

I suddenly thought of how to describe this relationship, a selfish person who doesn't care about what the other person wants and only gives what he thinks is good, and an independent person who has been influenced since childhood and fell in love with selfish people.