Love in Cthulhu

Chapter 10 Can you call me by my name?

Zhou Nan slowly opened his eyes. All he could see was pure white, and everything was blurry.

His head was throbbing so badly that he could barely speak. There seemed to be some kind of voice whispering around him, in a language he couldn't understand at all, but he could feel the voice like tiny insects trying to crawl into his ears.

"Are you awake?"

Someone approached from the side, with a clean and flawless face, a bright and cheerful smile, and long, smooth, silky hair that fell down to cover his forehead.

It was still that lawn. He kept his head on Jian Xi's lap, the fragrance of flowers mixed with the scent of earth, gradually clearing his mind.

I really wish it was just a terrible dream, that the girl named Jianxi hadn't died, and that there weren't any strange monsters appearing out of nowhere. But when I opened my eyes, all I saw was the truth.

"I really don't want to see you again as soon as I wake up," Zhou Nan said softly. His vision hadn't fully recovered yet, but he could tell who it was just from the tone of his voice.

"What are you saying? You wake up and the first thing you see is a cute girl, and you're still complaining? Would you rather see a scruffy old man looking down at you and pouting?" Jian Xi pouted.

"You're not some cute girl, you're a ghost, a monster, a little monster."

Zhou Nan tried to sit up and move his limbs. All his bones were intact, and he felt no pain at all.

It was unbelievable; he clearly remembered hearing the sound of his spine breaking inside his body.

"I can fix myself, so of course I can fix others too." Jian Xi seemed to know what he was thinking. She rested her chin on her hand, tilted her head, and looked at him. "I'm a petty person, you know. You stabbed me in the back, so of course I'll make you suffer a little too. How does it feel to almost die once?"

"It's awful, it feels like I'm being held underwater and can't breathe."

"Then can you be good next time?" Jian Xi squinted her eyes and acted cute.

"No."

"Damn it!" Jian Xi was furious and shoved him hard. "Other people remember the food they were given but forget the beatings they received, but you don't even remember the beatings I gave you?"

"Even if you kill me a hundred times, I'll still give the same answer: you resemble her, that's true, but you're ultimately not her." He lowered his head, groping around as if searching for something. "Where's my knife?"

"Give up. No matter how many times you try, you can't beat me. You can't even see my speed."

"How will I know if I don't try? Maybe I can slide tackle you when you pounce, and you'll run into the blade yourself."

"Do you think I'm a Spanish bullfighter? Can't I turn a corner?" Jian Xi rolled her eyes. "Your stubbornness is really annoying. How come I never realized it before? I should have just let you die."

Zhou Nan's heart skipped a beat; the way she was saying it made it sound like she was really throwing a tantrum.

But you didn't experience any of those things with me. You just consumed her memories, so you think those romantic moments belong to you.

In the midst of life and death, he finally understood one thing: his reason for rejecting the little monster was not because he felt she had taken away what belonged to Jian Xi, but because she did not have those real feelings. Everything she had was borrowed. She could express similar feelings in Jian Xi's voice, but she had never truly lived for herself.

In a sense, the little monster in front of us has a lifespan of only one short day, like a mayfly that lives only a day and dies at dusk, oblivious to the changing seasons and the cold and warmth of life.

Thinking this, he couldn't help but reach out to touch her hair. Although he knew it was a complete monster, when she looked at him, he saw her shadow no matter how he looked at her.

The girl's long hair was soft and smooth, making it hard to resist touching. She stared intently at Zhou Nan, not understanding why he had suddenly changed his attitude, as if she were a cat he could pet whenever he wanted.

In her usual style, at this point she should have slapped his groping hand away, angrily shouting that the scoundrel dared to covet her beauty! Then she would have kicked him over, displaying her chivalrous spirit.

But she had no intention of resisting. Although she had been treated like this countless times in her memory and knew what it felt like, this was truly the first time for her.

She really didn't want to admit it... but it was actually quite comfortable, a tingling sensation that made her want to fall asleep.

Suddenly her eyes widened.

Wait a minute? Is this the time for infatuation? Aren't we discussing important life events? What's with this sudden display of tenderness?

"Hey, what's this! Trying to reason with them or appeal to their emotions?"

Jian Xi slapped his hand away, looking fierce, "Although I don't know what I am, I'm definitely not some trashy ghost or monster. Don't think you can impersonate Tang Sanzang and kill monsters just because you've read the Vajra Mantra a few times! Get your knife back, let's fight three hundred rounds, and I'll stab you a hundred times. I'll heal you after I stab you, and then stab you again after I heal you!"

Her sudden outburst startled Zhou Nan, who asked, "Could we cease hostilities for now?"

"No! You can't!" Jian Xi gritted her teeth and squeezed out the two words. "Are you playing some kind of game? I've already taken my pants off!"

Zhou Nan glanced at her lower body...

"A metaphor!" This earned him a sharp flick on the forehead. "This isn't over! It has to be resolved today!"

"Then let's keep fighting."

He stood up, took a few steps back, his whole body tense, and his relaxed demeanor suddenly vanished, like a powerful bow ready to be drawn.

He carries a knife only to ensure a fatal blow; in fact, he is more skilled in hand-to-hand combat. Ever since the group fight in fifth grade, he has been learning Sanda (Chinese kickboxing) and has never been defeated, except for just now. However, he can't be considered to have lost to the little monster, since he is not Ultraman and can't shoot lasers.

Jian Xi gave him a few cold looks, then suddenly sniffed and turned around: "You're bullying me!"

Zhou Nan was instantly dumbfounded. No, who's bullying whom? You're a monster who can create people like it's nothing, a great immortal who can bring the dead back to life, and you're saying I, a mere human, am bullying you?

But Jian Xi had already started crying. Her soft sobs filled the air, and she wiped her tears with the back of her hand, her shoulders shaking. She cried so sadly, so heartbrokenly, like a bird separated from its flock, unable to find its home.

"Why are you crying..." Zhou Nan's heart was in turmoil, and he was at a loss. He was not afraid of death, and he could fight the little monster for Jian Xi, but he just couldn't stand hearing this girl cry.

"You bullied me and I can't even cry?" Jian Xi kicked her legs wildly on the lawn, whimpering.

"Heaven is my witness, I haven't done anything yet!"

Jian Xi's shoulders trembled even more violently, and her crying became increasingly shrill, making Zhou Nan feel more and more distressed.

He didn't like listening to girls cry because their voices were too high-pitched and thin, and very harsh. He disliked Jian Xi crying even more; she was only beautiful when she was smiling.

Even knowing she was a monster, the sound of her soft, melodious sobs still made him feel incredibly sad.

That was a girl he knew well, the last person he wanted to see cry. He was too embarrassed to approach her, so he could only squat down behind her and tug at her sleeve: "I was wrong, I was wrong, okay?"

"Then tell me, where did you go wrong?"

"I...I don't know either."

Jian Xi stomped her foot angrily, her soft sobs sounding like a bird's mournful chirping. Zhou Nan's heart ached at the sound. The atmosphere had changed so quickly; he couldn't understand what was going on. Jian Xi had never been such a delicate crybaby; she had shed tears very few times over the years. But every time she cried, she was truly heartbroken. When she was extremely sad, she would bury her face in his chest and cry, warning him not to look. She would cry until she couldn't squeeze out a single tear before sniffling, turning her head away, washing her face, and then coming back pretending nothing had happened.

"What exactly do you want?" He was getting impatient, but he couldn't let her go. "Just tell me what you want, okay?"

"I want you to admit that I am Jian Xi," she whispered.

"Impossible, you can't replace her."

"Then aren't you just bullying me? I even used seduction, and I kissed you! You didn't react at all. Now I'm very sad and upset, and you won't even let me cry."

"How is this bullying you? You weren't!"

"If someone denies your identity and says that this isn't your name, wouldn't you be sad? If I'm sad, why can't I cry? You're bullying me. You're taking advantage of the fact that only you know this secret and doing everything you can to stop me. You're so mean."

Zhou Nan was speechless. Although he knew that the person in front of him was a completely different person, she used Jian Xi's tone and voice, and she could make his heart follow her when she shed tears.

If he admitted it, she wouldn't cry, right? But he couldn't do that; how could he face the girl lying in the funeral home?
“Jian Xi is dead, you can’t see her or touch her anymore. What are you so hung up on? Are you so unable to let go of the past? Look up and see what’s in front of you, okay? Instead of clinging to a dead past, why not choose a living future? Didn’t you want me to come back? Now that I’m back, you’re unwilling to accept me.”

She buried her head in her arms and sobbed softly, turning her head slightly to the side.

"Actually... if you want to be Jian Xi, you don't need my permission at all, do you?"

After a long silence, Zhou Nan sighed, "Only I know your secret. Why don't you just kill me? That way, no one will be able to see through you. Your acting was actually quite excellent; no one would recognize you at all."

“What’s the point of that? What I want to be is Jian Xi herself. I can secretly kill and eat all of Jian Xi’s parents and friends without leaving any evidence. No one will find out. But what will I have after that? Who will still think I’m Jian Xi? No one will love me. No one will ask me to go out and play. I’m just living under this name.”

Do you want to become human?

"I want to, I really want to, I want to be Jian Xi the most. I feel that this is the meaning of my breathing right now."

She paused, then said in a low voice, "But you don't want me, you hate me, you think I've taken away Jianxi's things and stolen her life, but she clearly doesn't need these things anymore, she can't have them even if she wants them, so why can't I pick them up?"

Zhou Nan's heart stirred slightly. Yes, he had been deliberately trying not to think about it. Now that he had been to the funeral home, he should accept the fact that Jian Xi was dead.

He didn't have many friends, but Jian Xi was the most important and the one who stayed with him the longest. No matter how much romance they had shared in the past, all that remained in the future was the desolate and bleak life of holding an urn in the autumn wind.

Now, just one step forward, and there's a delicate, lively, and fiery little monster. Although this creature seems ruthless, it's still generally within a controllable range. Since she wants to be human, she should learn to abide by the rules of human society in order to live the life she desires.

He felt somewhat disheartened, but he also knew he had to move forward and couldn't stay stuck in the past.

But doing so makes him feel a little disgusted. No matter how much she resembles her, she is still not her. If he didn't know the truth, it would be fine, but now that he knows the truth, he can't see her as the real person. He will always remember that this person is actually a monster.

Should I choose her, who can never come back? Or should I choose this one, who doesn't even know anything?
Rather than getting nothing and being left with empty memories, even a complete fake is better than having nothing in your hands, right?

"Don't cry," he said.

"Just cry! Just cry! Mind your own business!" Jian Xi grabbed a handful of dirt and threw it at him without even looking at him.

He pursed his lips: "Jian Xi, don't cry!"

The slightly trembling figure seemed to pause for a moment, then asked incredulously, "Say that again?"

"I said, Jianxi, stop crying!"

His voice rose several octaves as he stared at his toes.

“You never let me see you cry before, but I’ve seen it all. I have to say you look really ugly when you cry. Your eyes swell up easily, and when you cry, you look like a little goldfish. When you cry too hard, you even shed snot on me… It’s disgusting. So, stop crying. Crying too much will really make you ugly, and forehead wrinkles are hard to fix.”

"You've finally called me by my name?"

Zhou Nan was taken aback and looked up in surprise. Jian Xi smiled slyly, her eyes clear as water and bright as jade.

Tears? Sadness? Wanting to be a proper human being? Bullshit! That smug, self-satisfied look on their faces is impossible to hide; it's all an act!

"You lied to me like this?" Zhou Nan blushed completely. He never expected her to be so shameless.

“How can you call it deception when it’s a scholar’s ​​business? I just pretended to hum a little, and if I didn’t shed a tear, you can’t blame me, right?” Jian Xi stuck out her tongue. “Now you can’t go back on your word, a gentleman’s word is as good as his bond! You called me Jian Xi, which means you acknowledge that I am Jian Xi.”

"I admit it my foot!" Zhou Nan turned around and walked towards his sister. He really didn't want to talk to her anymore. He couldn't treat her like Jian Xi. At least Jian Xi wouldn't try to fool people with fake crying.

"Oh dear, are you angry?" Jian Xi quickly caught up with him in a few small steps. "That expression, you look like a wronged little wife, is it really that serious?"

Zhou Nan didn't even glance at her, and just kept walking forward.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, alright?"

Zhou Nan still ignored her.

Jian Xi's patience finally ran out. She jumped in front of him angrily, blocking his way, and pointed at his nose: "Why are you so petty? What's wrong with me lying to you? There are so many people who want me to lie to them, but I can't even be bothered to look at them!"

Zhou Nan stared blankly at her, feeling a tightness in his chest that he couldn't express but also couldn't swallow.

He spent so long letting go of his inner turmoil, even dying once in the process, before he could finally accept her. But she gave him a lie, and their already fragile relationship of trust instantly plummeted to rock bottom.

In the end, she gave in to his gaze and slowly lowered her head. But she felt that this was not who she was. Jian Xi never surrendered. So she ran over quickly, stood on tiptoe, and gently breathed into his ear.

Unlike last time, when she was talking, her breathing came and went quickly. But this time, she deliberately used that breath to play with ambiguity, a long, leisurely, warm breath that sprayed onto his earlobe, like a tingling soup being poured into his body, making him shudder involuntarily.

She watched as the base of his ears gradually turned red, and then took a few steps back with satisfaction, only to meet a pair of sulking eyes.

"That's the only thing you're lacking. You have absolutely no resistance. What if you really meet a literary girl in the future, and she falls for you with just one flirtation? How will you be able to resist her?" She laughed happily.

"Is it any of your business?" Zhou Nan felt a little lightheaded.

In fact, Jian Xi had played this kind of ambiguous little game many times, and to some extent, Zhou Nan was immune to her skills.

But for some reason, this time she felt particularly humiliated. Perhaps she felt that she was no longer Jian Xi, but another girl, so the familiar relationship that had no feelings for her in the past was replaced by a new relationship?

He shook his head, picked up his sister, and realized that if he wanted to live with this thing, he had to figure out whether she was a girl or a monster.

(End of this chapter)